“Just give me your address; I’m coming to see you whether you like it or not!” She said to me a few minutes ago. Panic set in while I was thinkin: “No no no, not like this, I look like absolute hell, like shit, please let me be!” Something along the same lines I actually did say to her. She was set on coming to see me. I did give her my moms’ address. She is on her way.
I look at myself in the mirror. I look at my face. I don’t recognize me. Except when I look deep into my eyes. That’s when I feel peace and see my deep beauty. My surface, the surface? I call it ugly. I call it fat. But beauty isn’t skin deep. Than why am I not living that truth?!
If I can’t even let my long time friends back into my life, how can I let in my man, when he comes to me? But I know I can. I accept myself, I do. Unconditionally? We’ll see, the moment my friend comes to embrace me.
***
(time:4:04 am) I don’t like it when I’m not in control. And my friend took that control away. Or did I? I gave her my address. I want to let ’loving-care’ in. I do.
Last night an insight came thru. The e-mail I wrote to the CEO in dec (word count:234 and o boy the numbers agree with me) of 2008? Wasn’t bout the homeless. It was about me. And my journey. And I thought it was funny that I didn’t see that link before. I have been homeless my whole life even tho I’ve had a roof over my head. (word count:273) I just wasn’t home in me, myself. I am home now.
But why am I living with my mother? Something doesn’t add up. I just took a shower and the rage I felt inside of me just wouldn’t stop. I felt it. All of it. I let it rinse thru every little corner of my soul. And then, I let it go. A peace came over me. A peace of knowing that I’m now finally free of my mommy. She can do what she wants, but this rage? Was to face my shadow, which I embraced. That is how it dissipates.
***
(word count:377) Divine intervention. Yesterday afternoon a lady from the government called to discuss my still ‘up-in-the-air- application for government support. The moment she wanted to look something up in her pc for me, her screen went black. Just like that. Yes. The story of my life. Me and an electrical device? We do funny. We do weird, we do unpredictable too. She said she’d never had that happen before.
Me? I was thinking:” I really ain’t no longer meant to explore; the concepts in three D.” What does the universe (me) have in store for me? First I’m gonna see, my friend. She’ll be here in a few minutes. God I hope she’s (word count:488) into going somewhere where there is water. I’m dying to be close to the ocean, the sea. And ofcourse, trees.
I just so so so want to be free, physically. God, please; how much longer are we to be transmuting all these pollutant energies? I’m so done with three D misery…And the longer this journey runs, the less I can believe I signed on for this: VOLUNTARILY! Yes, I do officially declare myself: CRAZY!
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