Houston, we've got a problem!

I feel good but I don’t. Makes sense? Something is holding me down. And after talking to a friend over skype I know what it is. Fact is, it was nothing we discussed that had anything to do with what’s been keeping me down. Maybe hearing a familiar voice triggered something within. A longing. Accompanied by a feeling of melancholy.

A feeling that has been with me for the past few weeks on and off. Everytime this feeling washes over me, it seems to be stronger than the last time it hit me. And this morning it’s hitting me hard. Melancholy.

But why? And what for? And what does it have to do with the song Clocks by Coldplay? Doesn’t that song trigger a feeling of melancholy within for you? It does for me. I remember their cd had just come out and Coldplay was listed to play at this festival two hours away from where I used to live. I wanted to go really bad but ofcourse; I had no money. No friends who were into going either. I wanted to enjoy Jay-Z and dance to the tunes of wicked dj’s. But, no friends and no money so I couldn’t go. What year was it, 2008? I wonder what has changed…

***

“You should come next year, you’d totally fit in, you’d love it!” Is what his e-mail read. He’d sent it to me right after he drove home from Burningman. Now he needed to decompress. This man, he’d found me on twitter and told me about burningman. I looked it up and I knew: that would be something I could easily get used to. But no money and with who would I go? I’m kinda sick of doing stuff solo. I mean, I love me; I’m my own best company and we have a lot of fun but really, this circle of friends is gettn kinda small. Plus I don’t want it to always revolve around; me! I’m not the center of the Universe; it’s all inside of me.

Since the Universe is inside of me that means that I must have a lot of friends; somewhere, anywhere, who are like me?! This cellar is getting too small for me. Literally. I want to fly, but I keep bouncing off of the walls. I want to exercise and run, but then the aliens keep me down. “No, lay down, we need to do a little more work on you!” I obey. I really have nothing to say in their play. If I think I’m in control, well, immediately they’ll let me know:”One more sec and you’ll step into the unexpect!” I can’t count how many times I’ve been told that. How long is a sec, if there is no time?

***

Burningman. I’ll have to wait until September. Or is it August? Either way, my online friend said he’d have some sort of discount coupon for me. You know what I said? “I don’t know why, but I have this feeling I’m gonna be there this year and that I won’t be needing your coupon.” Weird eh?! I don’t know why I said that but when I did, I remembered two previous times I’d said something a long the line of a premonition out of the blue to peeps. Both of those things came true. Not only some of my dreams are foreseeing, some of my words are too.

Maybe I shouldn’t tell you what I felt and knew the moment I watched a clip of the Oscars the other night? I’ll refrain. I can only tell you it was surreal. I was there. I was holding a statue. I was literally there. I’ve had a few moments like that before. One was when I was walking on a beach with my friend and told her how I felt, literally; that I was in a movie-scene. I literally stepped on set. That was about a year ago. It felt somewhat like stepping into a different but very real reality.

Burningman? I don’t know, we’ll see. Now is all that counts. There is no right time or right place. You’re always at the right place at the right time and there are no mistakes. Only jokes. Very very good jokes. But I’m not getting this one just yet. Maybe once I manage to step out of bed? “Whoever is energetically working on me, it is taking painfully long!” I feel like I’m sedated; so sleepy. So what do I do? I give in and close my eyes. I’ll let you know whether it was a good flight.

ps. The vid? Wait until you’re five minutes in. The white orbs you see, is exactly what I see in my room sometimes or when out in nature. They come floating in and they disappear as mysteriously as they appear. Sometimes they visit me in the shower too. At first it scared me, now when it happens I communicate with them telepathically. Seeing them makes me happy, they feel really good! But they’re always here, whether you see ‘em or not. I feel ‘em all the time.