Not even listening to music works. Usually one right note and it lifts me right out of my misery. Not this morning. Is this postnatal depression? Does such thing really exist? This truly is the opposite of bliss. I wonder what is wrong with my baby. I havent seen him yet. Is it because he feels I’m not feeling all that well or is my baby in the ER? I don’t know, I wasn’t driving the ambulance, I was left in the cellar.
***
“Earthquake with a magnitude of 8.8 hit Chile this morning.” Next I read:” Marie Osmonds son commits suicide.” I’m terrified. Something doesn’t feel right. Does it have to do with my baby? Why haven’t I seen him yet? Is that why I feel so empty? Almost depressed?
Writing since my online coming out has changed too. It doesn’t come as easy as prior to the illumination hitting me. What is wrong? Why can’t I seem to connect to my baby? This is a terrifying experience. I have no idea what to do next. This is unfamiliar territory. I guess that’s what creating is. It’s when you’re at your most powerful yet at the top of your vulnerability too. Being vulnerable is taking over. What is going on? Why am I almost in fight or flight mode?
I didn’t expect to feel this way at all… (time: 12:30)(time of publishing: 12:34)
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