Doorknob

“Exhale…. and again; Exhale…” Peace. I didn’t think I was going to survive after yesterday. What happened? Nothing. Yet everything. Attempting to explain it in words will only eat away from what it felt like. Words never seem to do justice to feelings. Why is there a gap between what we truly feel and the words we utter? Is that why what I know to be true is what I feel?

***

February 8, 8 am. I’m right awake. Had a weird dream. Very intense too. A Jetfighter wanted to be born out of a big dark grey cloud with the looks of that of a nuclear bomb after explosion. This cloud was sky filling. It was surrounded by a white circle. The jet was fighting to come out. The nose of the Jet was peeking through but bounced back several times, like the cloud was a piece of gum that catapulted the Jet back. Finally the Jet broke free. If it kept going in the straight line it was now flying, the Jet would hit the house me and a dear friend are in, watching this fascinating and exhilarating Jet-scene from behind a window. With our thoughts combined we manage to steer the Jet going up, avoiding it to hit our roof. We exhale…

***

10.30 am monday morning February 8th. All set to go for a run. “Yes, I’ve got the energy to run, can’t wait to be outside and play!” I reach for the doorknob. With the doorknob still in my hand, ready to turn it to the left an overwhelmingly dark cloud of sucking energy comes over me. I stand there for a few seconds. I freeze. I breathe. “No, not now!” I think. This totally stinks! “It’s sunny and cold out, I want to run and feel free!” But no, I’m not allowed. The darkness increases in intensity. Just like that. Like an invisible person put up a wall out of nowhere which wasn’t there a few seconds ago. I head back into the cellar, into my bed with my running gear and hat still on. For the next few hours I’m hardly able to breathe, think straight or capable of doing anything. “This is not living, this is existing.” I’m numb. Not connected.

“How the hell am I ever going to be able to re-enter into society?!” I proclaim to a dear friend that evening. She understands perfectly where I’m at and how these Universal tidings have a firm grip on you once in the ‘grips’ of ascending.

I just have to dance this dance with the energy until I’m finally fully re-callibrated. Fighting it, makes me want to die. Unless you’re in the same boat as me; I do not blame you for thinking I’ve lost it. I’ve had the same thought many times at the beginning of this boat ride. Now I know I’m not yet fully in charge of my life but still somewhat at the mercy of higher powers. I surrender and thank God for laughter and being able to make a fool of myself while exchanging pics online of how fugly I look at the moment with a dear friend of mine. Amen to webcams!

***

This morning I awoke to yet again very intense and weird dreams. In it was a friend of mine whom I used to see very frequently. I had to let the friendship go for a bit and I feel she has done the same. It is not a game. Sometimes you both have to find your own way until you can re-connect in full authenticity.

***

The dark days are very humbling. I always come out of it more compassionately and with more clarity.

“God, I just want to run upstairs and give the man who’s been providing me with a free place to stay a big hug.” I’m thinking while lying in my bed last night. My heart is over flowing with compassion and understanding. In that moment I fully see this living situation from his perspective. He took me in thinking it would be for a week or so, a month maybe, tops. We’re a few months into it now and he just wants his space back. I fully understand. I wonder how I would have reacted if I were to be in his shoes. A wave of gratitude washes over me. It is 10.30 pm. “Should I run up stairs and tell him how I feel and how grateful I feel at the moment?” I remain lying still in my bed, overwhelmed with this feeling of compassion, love and gratitude.

Ten minutes pass by. He turns off the lights and heads to bed. Too late now. “Why didn’t I walk up stairs to tell him how I humbled and grateful I am?” But then again; everything is perfectly imperfect, it always is.

***

I’m getting dressed now; ready to go for a run. It is sunny and cold. Freezing almost. Will I get past the doorknob?