The Beast

After days of rain, the sun is out.

I have this need, to be with some trees, but jeeez, first these words want to be freed.

Its almost like I’m not ‘allowed’, to go out ‘n about….

You’d think;”Well can’t you write after your hike?”

You see, that doesn’t work for me.

Once I can feel ‘em knock; they refuse to go back ‘on stock’.

My needs come after, these words laughter.

And so I can’t help but feel a little frustration; for these words are causing me sun deprivation.

***

Co-incidentally that same feeling of frustration; is what I felt, when I yelled:

“O God, not now!”

I am in Portugal training my ass off.

I’m there for three weeks, to prepare for all the upcoming summer track and field-meets.

I was a superstar in training; yet when it was time to compete; all I ever felt was defeat.

In training I was a beast; in competition the beast somehow ceased.

Nerves would always get the best of me; the beast in competition was never fully released.

Only once.

While competing in the 4×100 relay; I got appointed the second leg.

It’s the longest part in the relay to cover the track.

The competitor next to me; is the reigning 100 mtr dash champ.

To the side I glance.

I am in a complete trance.

My team-mate hands me the baton.

The Dutch champ has already left for her leg.

To God I beg:”Please, let me win this thing!”

I passed the Dutch champ and hand-off the baton to the third person in our team.

The trance is gone, but O boy that was certainly ‘mean’!

I’d never ran so fast; I even passed the reigning champ.

It was the only time that I can re-call; that the beast inside ‘o me wasn’t kept small.

There was no time; sprinting felt super-tuned-fine.

No effort was involved; I completely dissolved, into being.

In sports they call it the flow; I call it a requested-miracle-show.(word count: 333!!!!!)

The irony of all this is: this flow came about during a team-effort.

Although my specialties were individual numbers.

With the 400 mtr being my fave; tho after from nausea I’d always be in completely different state.

After every 400 mtr race; I wasn’t able to face;

anyone or anything for at least an hour; that’s in how much pain I was; so sour.

I couldn’t sit or stand, nor bend.

You’d wonder why we’d put ourselves through such agony…

***

Could it be, the flow that I felt, will be held;

when my heart melts…?

Is that why now this ‘story’ comes up?

To make me stop;

and think:

that these words in pink ink;

will transform to green, when in a twin-team?

This sprinting-memory is to make me see; in union the beast really IS gonna be set free?

Is it the re-assurance I get from myself; to surrender and relax;

“You’ve done all the ‘tests’;to be your ‘best’,

just be, so you can BE-come; all that you’ve asked for and more.

The beast wasn’t fully matured back then;

now through using your pen;

you’ve discovered that you never truly suffered.

The injury in your foot back in Portugal was induced by yourself.

Your higher Self knew; running fame isn’t really what you set out for yourself to ‘do’.

Don’t you just love one after the other clue!?” (word count: 555!!!!)

***

I grab my foot.

It really really doesn’t feel good.

The smoldering sun, all of a sudden don’t feel like so much fun.

“Please God, not now!”

In training somehow; I’d been crushing personal best after personal best!

I thought: “This is gonna be the season, that is gonna gimme reason, for all this friggin’ ass-busting work!”

I am back in Holland in the hospital; looking at the results of my MRI.

I cry.

No, I sob.

What a flop!

In my foot and in my shin are to be seen;

pretty serious hairline-fractures.

Fractures…. not one! Not two! No! Three!!!

I sat there and wondered:”Will this beast inside of me ever gonna be set free?”