And then I died...

Ever since I was little;

my worldy awareness still very brittle;

on numerous occasions I’d say to my mom:

” I’m gonna die when I’m real young.”

My mom would say:” Stop!” why do you say such thing, nuf!”

I told her that that’s just the way I feel, but don’t worry it might not be real.

Now I know what I didn’t know then.

I died.

Yet I’m still alive, yes I am.

My mom would ask:” So, how old would you be, when you die?”

I’d say in my early thirties, that’s when I’m gonna fly!”

I’m thirty one, almost thirthy two.

Now I know what that little girl meant with that clue!

After more than a month not being able to post;

Something happened with your blogs’ host.

Some call it a vibrational upgrade.

Great term for “in love is how I best behave.”

My page came back online.

But I wasn’t feeling it after all this time offline.

I could no longer resonate with all I had posted; nor could I relate.

It was like staring at something from eons ago.

I couldn’t get back into my writing flow.

I thought about deleting my page all together.

Yet that didn’t feel right nor would it make things better.

I let it be.

I changed some things around.

The upgrades’ not quite finetuned; have you noticed there’s less sound?

Soon it’ll look exactly the way I want to.

Just like my body used to.

So I died.

I cried.

But, I haven’t been fried.

That’s because I’m still very much alive!

The ‘old’ me I have set free.

Karmic rules no longer apply to me.

I am free! who-ever I want to be.

As long as it’s in line with my hearts integrity!

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I want to share, something that four years ago caused me a lot of despair.

Something that wants to be off my chest, out in the open, like all the rest.

In 2005, I tried to commit suicide.

I don’t want to hide any longer, something that in the end only made me happier and stronger.

I was in a ‘bad’ relationship.

I didn’t want to myself admit that it would never get any better than this fighting shit.

He did.

Admit.

I was too afraid, to loose my man, my ‘best’ mate.

Even though he screwed around like there was no tomorrow, I could not deal with breaking up sorrow.

Then he dropped the bomb.

I wish I had no feelings, that I was numb.

My heart broke into a million pieces.

I could not deal with this stabbing, overwhelming feeling of pain.

A day after we broke-up, I took pills and booze, wanting this pain to stop.

I was twenty -seven, I was completely ready for Heaven.

Minutes later everything was black.

I have no memory of the two days after that.

I woke-up in the hospital.

The brief moments I did come by, my screaming angry ex came to say something other than ‘hi’….

They forced me to talk to a psychiater.

After two sessions he concluded I wasn’t crazy but incredibly smart.

At that moment I wished he labeled me crazy, would’ve been less hard.

The psychiater said:’She is just very very sad.”

It made me mad.

What to do?

I became very good, at something I since a young age understood.

From the moment I came out of the hospital, I suppressed, all those feelings that had made of me such a mess.

Even more than I was used to…

All I was looking for was Love from you.

I have never let a tear, over my break-up fear.

I used to think I used ‘em all up.

Tears in our relationship in the last year almost daily popped.

Why did I not leave?

I grew up learning that’s how love is supposed to be, not free.

Yet I could never comprehend, how love and cheating were supposed to blend?!

The first few times I found out about his cheating, he would cry:” Please don’t leave me!”

One thing that hurt me more than my own pain, was seeing him cry.

I thought he must really care for me, I can’t say bye…

I had to pick him up, instead of caring for myself, making my pain stop.

I couldn’t be vulnerable, not when I was young, nor in my relationship.

I felt I always had to be strong.

Not until this last year, in front of myself, could I drop this fear.

It’s through writing, that for me and my pain there is no more hiding.

Can you see, how this writing journey for me has been healing?

Thank God, I’m back to feeling!

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Now, my life has started a whole new round.

Although the physical manifestations still have to catch up, where my head already has popped.

Broke, own-homeless and tired; but all my residue fears have been fired. 

I feel new… something I can easily get used to. 

In the end is always a new beginning. 

In retrospect, my life has been great! Every tear, fear I wouldn’t want it to dissapear. 

It made me. 

I set myself free!

Everything happens for a reason. 

There will always be a new season. 

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. 

I know a few more cliches who might be a bit longer. 

I feel very lucky. 

Fortunate even. 

I know now, that no-one can do to me, what I wasn’t doing to myself already!

You always get what you give yourself!

It’s you! No one else;

that chooses how you view life!

My heart is healed, from joy inside doing the jive.  

And in the ‘end’…. it’s just another story.

One that now makes me look forward to every new mornings’ glory!