It is 5:55 am Dutch time. It is 8:55 pm in BC. Wow wow wow!! I just had the most amazing dream ever!!! I just shook hands with an alien. They landed in their ship on our property and omg, I still can’t believe it, it was sooooooo incredible real and so beautiful and loving. [...]]]>

It is 5:55 am Dutch time. It is 8:55 pm in BC. Wow wow wow!! I just had the most amazing dream ever!!! I just shook hands with an alien. They landed in their ship on our property and omg, I still can’t believe it, it was sooooooo incredible real and so beautiful and loving. We looked deeply into each others eyes and he showed me where he was from: the pleiadians.

Wow, I’m all (word count:73) e-motional from it. It was a very long and intense dream. I’ll do my best to convey it. I was at the property I grew up as a kid. I look at the sky and am (word count:111) absolutely astounded at what I see. The most amazing colors and shapes (word count:123); all sorts of geometrical shapes and patterns of crop circles in the most amazing colors are morphing into different shapes constantly. It almost looked like stained glass morphin and shaping into new shapes right before my eyes in the sky. My oldest brother noticed it too.

Next (word count:173) a very different space craft comes flying out of the sky and morps into a more earthly yet still very strange vehicle right before it lands. It does so, so it can drive on land. It has one very big front wheel and the whole construction looks very complicated. I want them to come towards me and not leave. I desperately hope I get to talk to them, see them. They stop next to the house (time:9:11 pm) I grew up in and now there is no way round it anymore: my bio family has to acknowledge that there is more between heaven and earth than they previously would believe.

I’m so excited. There is an actual spacecraft in front of me and thru some sort of board outside their craft they are answering questions we have. Before we’ve asked the questions, they have already answered them in writing right before our eyes. I speak with them telepathically and I’m soo incredibly happy. I love the speed with which we communicate. I feel so at home and my heart is jumping from joy. The board is used for the other peeps who have now gathered in front of the space craft.

(word count:378)Everyone is amazed, except me. I’m soooo incredibly happy to see them finally land and actually interact with us. We can’t see them. I really want to see them. (word count:404) I ask where they are from and with a laserbeam arrow they point to the pitch black sky and it shows and lights-up the pleiadians and its coordinates are written in laser right below it. The space craft is now on the road and I’m the one communicating with them. I ask if I can see him. It’s a man with whom I’ve been interacting.

He says he’s not supposed to do so but then he decides against his not very strict orders. The spacecraft has, in the meantime, morped into the road. The road is moving, we have to keep walking in order to stay on the same spot. The alien opens his craft thru the roof, which is easy to acces for me, cuz the roof is now where my feet are. Everyone around me is scared but I’m just sooo excited and happy!

The space craft opens (word count:555) and I look in the most amazing, tiny sweet blue eyes!!! His head looks a little like a small cone and his skin is beige and got brown spots from the top of his head to just above is eyes. He’s got a few more but less big, spots all over his face. He is bald, there is no hair, no eyebrows either. He reaches out his hand. His fingers are very long and there are only four of them. I take his hand in mine and it’s just INCREDIBLE!! We touch and I feel soooooooo at home.

That is when I wake up. I so so so wanted to go home with my friend the alien but I also knew: they’re here with us now!! WOW! This dreams was so incredibly real. I was there. I was right awake within this dream. My god, if only (word count:703) I could convey in words what I saw in the sky, the ‘stain glass’ part, that was absolutely incredible, just incredible! Every possible crop circle came by and every possible geometrical shape too.

I’m blessed, so beyond blessed to have met an alien! TOUCH DOWN…(title: The Aliens Have Arrived)

Dreams. I really really love my dreams. Not only the ones you dream ’bout during the day but mostly the ones I have when I sleep but am awake. And last night? Chili made his re-entry in my dream. It was a strange but lovely dream. Very long too.

I just woke up. And I feel [...]]]>

Dreams. I really really love my dreams. Not only the ones you dream ’bout during the day but mostly the ones I have when I sleep but am awake. And last night? Chili made his re-entry in my dream. It was a strange but lovely dream. Very long too.

I just woke up. And I feel worn out. Unlike yesterday. That’s when I had hardly any sleep and I was ready to go go go from the get go. (time:10:44 pm)Last night I really felt like eating chocolate. Substitute? I dunno. According to my words and what I feel my sweety is with me.

You are sitting at a table with a female friend. You and her are very comfy with each other. I’m in a different room cleaning out a (word count:123) closet. We know we are in close proximity of each other and I’m hoping for you to come my way. I don’t dare to take the first step. Next you are in my room but nothing is really said. I’m not upset I just wish I wasn’t so shy and knew what to say. But I’m also annoyed that we still use speach. We feel each other why do we have to speak? Can’t we just get past that and feel and act on that.

Next you are out in a field. You are to burn something. Your dad is there too. He really looks like you, just a bit older. It’s like he’s encouraging me to step forward to you. But I’m not sure and I wonder why you don’t come to me. In the next scene this lady walks beside me. She tells me:”he’s got his scars too.” (word count: 273)”He’s been thru a lot too.” I can feel that.

Now I’m in a house which is entered thru stairs. The doorbell rings and I have a mask on my face. I open the door and right before I do so I know it’s you. We can’t kiss cuz of the mud mask. But we go and take our clothes off and head into the shower to rinse off my mask. We look at each other. We don’t speak. We feel. While the water is running over our naked bodies. We’re happy. This feels right. It’s all ok, it’s all good. That’s when I wake up.

(word count:379)Yesterday after posting my last post, I was actually thinking:”Why would I still write?” I mean, I really have nothing left to say. Besides, I’m so not inspired. (word count:404)I no longer wanna chat bout spiritual stuff, tho I am, on and off, still into the meta physical stuff, but really: I’m so simple. I just wanna be. Feel good. And enjoy whatever I do. I don’t wanna speak. I want to feel. The world is racing by me and I’m thinkin’:”have we gone mad?!”

It sure is not me. I’m beyond my in-sanity. (word count:473)Have I fully stepped into my divinity? Flatlining in neutrality; zero point. Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. The End. (title: The Shower) Published:11:00 pm.

Her fiercelessness [...]]]>
Just took a shower. And while at it I continuesly got overwhelmed with goosebumps. My sisters spirit was with me. I’d like to talk to you bout my sis. She used to be a fierceless bold miss. And the beauty is, she still is! Tho it took a bit for me to see it.

Her fiercelessness simply transformed. Her and I are from the same nest. We each had to do our utmost best, to make sense of the emotional distress we endured living in our bio-fam-nest. Yes, we did have fun (draft saved:4:08:08 am). We laughed. A lot. But behind all that laughing was an emptiness. It was filled with competition, fights for attention from whom-ever would give it to us.

As a teen (word count:123) she did ignore me. But that was simply cuz she was surviving too. I had no clue. Sis, when I now look at you and hear you say, that the one thing you are proud of in your life is your two little angels, then I’ll say this to you:”You should be equally proud of you too and all you do!!” I never saw your real beauty cuz I didn’t see my own. And now that I do, I’m so immensely proud of you.

My sister never complains. And life for her hasn’t been easy. The complaining? I make up for that for us two. I bet my family doesn’t realize that in the last three years, my sister stabilized our family. No, she didn’t work, but she worked in a different unseen kinda way. And in the process she raised two beautiful little angels, who got their prorities straight.

My sis didn’t work and lived on government support. She’s a single parent, educated as a PE teacher. She isn’t lazy. In the last three years, after her come-back from living in New Zealand? She did a lot of work. But it’s the kinda work that goes unseen. It’s the kinda work that is done voluntarily. She is and was the stabilizer for the family. Who did my mom go to when she needed to vent ’bout her divorce from our dad? My sister. Yeah, I’m tellin’ ya: ain’t rad! The other day my sis said:”Now that I hear how you’re experiencing living with our mother, my memories are coming back of those chats I had with her back then and it wasn’t rad.”

(word count:370)In fact, at one point it got so bad; her energy got sucked so badly; my sis had no more clue what to do, but she never told you! That is what I do. And now, my family: we, my sis and I: are giving all that shit back to you! Where it belongs. Deal with your own emo shit and no more dumping it on us. It’s been NUFF! We’re done transmuting for you. It’s time you start (word count:437) to take RE-SPONSIBIILTY for your own life! 

I realize I will never have a mom the way I’ve always wanted one. The other day when I had to apply for government support; the lady (word count:473) who was helping me; had just taken her daughter in to live with her. Her daughter had broken up with her boyfriend. The lady told me how much fun she and her daughter are having. It’s not like that with me and my family.  

Except with me and my sis. We are like this (picture index- and middle finger intertwined). (word count:537) Who still visits my dad every so often? My sis! Because she knows how much he loves it. Does he know how much she and I would love it too, when he would every so now and then, on his own, come to us, spontaneously? He hardly ever does.

***

The other day I said to a friend of mine who lives in the states and who told me bout her family and how their fate, turned ’round for the better:”I feel like such a failure!” And I do. Deep down I still felt responsible for the mess my family is in. I feel like a failure, but I also realize it’s not my responsibility to smooth things over in my family. That is up to each individual themselves. I would love for my family (word count:637) to be one big happy smiley funny caring family. But we aren’t. There is a lot of pain beneath the surface. My sis and I have dealt with our own. It took us, respectively, 32 and 33 years. We are both poor, tired and ready for a new start. Yes, it was hard.

My sis and I are soo much richer than most people. Secretely; I still hope that someday; my family can be totally free and rich too. But that is not up to me. That is up to them and their responsibility. Just listen. It’s that voice within. It does set you free. It makes you see, the true beauty; in life!

My family: I truly love you. And my sister? I love you and I’m sooo proud of you and all the stabilizing work you do! It’s bout time that someone in our family says that you! You are a true beauty and I’m happy I can finally fully say that you; whole heartedly. It’s now our time to shine. We are both battle weary but I trust. In miracles. Not only for me, but for you too. And I’m happy you’ve got that Scorpio man ‘o you! I am blessed and beyond rich to have a sis. And she’s perfect just the way she IS. Just like my family. Cuz yes, I do look further than just skin deep. I see the bigger pic.

My responsibility? Is this. It’s when I piss. And that’s when these words are coming thru. Unconditionally; just for you! O and btw: I have no clue why I chose the above song but I knew I just had to. (word count:888)

Last night I went to bed thinking:”I’m never gonna open my pc again, I’m so done with it (this story) all!” But then I’m given this amazing dream and I just have to write. Not necessarily ’bout the dream but the dream is a trigger for (word count:37)more writing. And I truly wonder:”When will I be [...]]]>

Last night I went to bed thinking:”I’m never gonna open my pc again, I’m so done with it (this story) all!” But then I’m given this amazing dream and I just have to write. Not necessarily ’bout the dream but the dream is a trigger for (word count:37)more writing. And I truly wonder:”When will I be done??” (draft saved:1:32:32 am)

In my dream was my handsome uncle (my dads’ bro), friends whom I’ve worked with on this (draft saved;1:33:32 am) job and my sister. It was a very very long dream but what it came down to was that my sis and I were driving around in this big RV in the mountains in a foreign country. My sis is driving but I’m telling her where to go (word count:123). Suddenly we find ourselves in a dead-end kinda spot. It’s absolutely stunning but we can’t go anywhere. We find ourselves within a big ‘mountain bowl’. We wonder how we got there and I’m thinking my sis must’ve missed an exit. We turn around.

In the next scene my sis is no longer there. I am in a supermarket looking for real organic oatmeal. It’s no where to be found. (time:1:37 am)A man wants to help me but he’s too pushy and is hitting on me. I won’t allow him hitting on me as I (word count:212) am married and on my way to my man. Next I’m outside in some kinda field and (word count:237 there is a scene in between with me and my uncle which I’m skipping otherwise it’s gonna be way too long) with the peeps with whom I worked before. They act all funny and I’m havin a good time too. One of them is tryin’ to get over a fence. What I remember from her is that she is a scorpio. She kinda falls over the fence, but it’s hilarious. The rest is goin over the fence too. I must’ve gone over the fence as well as I find myself standing in between all them in a crowded kinda way. Something must be (word count:337) really funny cuz I find myself laughing so hard that I collapse forward. But then, Will catches me. I look up and feel his strong arms around me. From the corner of my eye I see my mother standing outside of the fence and I can feel her jealousy. Will whispers something in my ear:”Elope?” I look at him and next we are running away and never look back.

***

Needless to say, I liked the dream. I had an apple for breakfast. Good start of the day (time:1:44 am) I say. Yesterday eve, I saw the movie “It’s All Gone Pete Tong“. I can honestly say it’s one of the best movies I’ve ever seen. It touched me deeply. (draft saaved:1:44:33 am)Tho I’ve had many a moment that it was way too harsh for me to watch. My stomach turned, my being cringed, mmm maybe more than a time or three. (word count:488)

Sometimes we need to be brought down to our knees deeply in order to transform. What we do to ourselves. O boy. Last Monday was absolute hell for me. For no apparent reason. And that is acending. And being one of the first wavers. It stinks. (draft saved:1:47:33 am) Monday night? I had a moment. In that moment I looked to my right. I noticed a knife. A thought ran thru my head. I let it be. My miracle recipe. ..

***

Last night? My thoughts had transformed. Thank you Pete Tong. It’s because of you, I retracted another memory. Like you; I have great affinity with the homeless, always have, but I kinda had forgotten bout that until I saw Pete Tongs’ movie. I retracted (word count:637) an e-mail I had sent to a CEO of a big company in Vancouver. The following is part of an e-mail I wrote to Mr. C.W. on December 4 2008. Three months after that I, myself, got down on my knees…life had gotten to me…

The e-mail:…”The situation i am referring to is homelessness….. It’s a loaded term here in Vancouver I have discovered. I never thought I would be so ’intruiged’ by it, but I am. Seeing the amount of homeless people here in Vancouver, I started questioning several people about why and how it has become such a problem here in Vancouver. People came up with several answers and solutions, none of them were completely satisfactory for me. That did not mean I did not ’understand’ the reasons etc, but to me, everything, everything has a reason and by that I mean; a higher one….. 
 
During the last year for me thinking about the homelessness issue came and went on and off. Everytime I would encounter a homeless person, my emotions would range from empathy, fear, wanting to help, avoidance, etc, all depending on how I would feel that day.
But everytime after an encounter or after thinking about homelessness, i would end up confused. Why is this such a major issue in a city that seems to have such a big spiritual community? I just could not wrap my head around it. I wanted to know why there are so many people without a home and why would no one have a solution to this? why do we not help these people, as we are all one and not helping them is like not helping yourself…?
 
So, one night, after a day of thinking about this issue again and another encounter with a homeless person (ended up giving him my chocolate that i just bought and really wanted to eat, but i gave it to this person sitting by a street light, thinking; ‘ chocolate makes me happy, well, i just want to see him happy!” and without thinking, i just gave him my piece, which at that time, i had bought from my last dollar that month and this is not a joke…. haha)i had this dream that revealed to me why there are so many homeless people in Vancouver. It was enlightning… I just hope that i will be able to explain it to you as good as I can and why i am telling you this.
 
The dream made me realize that we are all beings of light and in a city that besides having a very large spiritual community, it also houses A LOT of fear. I feel this everyday. The dream made me see that the homeless people represent these fears….. but… they are here to guide us through our fear. We are all one and by embracing each other instead of judging, looking away, feeling better than another based on what you have or what you do, we can come closer to oneness. In that dream I was offered a ‘solution’ for the homeless issue, one that I really feel can make a difference.
 
I really believe that If somehow there would be a ‘support’ system for people in a homeless situation that it can make a difference. But, let me define ‘support’ system: by that I mean: a buddy system. I’ll explain: I truly truly believe and know that love, unconditional love is the answer to everything. Just think about it: if ever you have gone through a hard time in your life, would it not have been a lot easier and bearable if there would have been someone, somehow that would have been there for you, just to tell you that you are good the way you are, would listen to you, would encourage you to not give up, to believe in yourself, just give you that feeling of unconditional love and let you know that you can do whatever you want as long as you believe in yourself and take responsibility for your own actions and move towards love, instead of away from fear.
 
I believe we can help the homeless by creating a buddy system for people who truly want to be helped. It would be a one on one buddy system and we would need volunteers to help volunteer their time to just hang out with a homeless person and create a bond with the intent to create hope, self-esteem etc. Just to empower them. Cuz, nobody can solve the problems I have, I need to take responsibility for my life, but just knowing that there are people out there that show me unconditional love and who believe in me and believe in love, that  is I hope what would make people want to make better choices and to create better lifes for themself. And, every life that is touched and would move more towards love, is one more being of light that is ‘enlightened’ and would help make the world a better, loving place…!”

***

It is only two third of the e-mail; I wrote the e-mail with the intent of starting some kinda buddy system for the homeless with the CEO’s company, one I was working for. I got a two sentence, negative, response. I forgot bout it after that. I was in major survival mode myself. And here I am. Thirty two years old. Basically homeless; if it weren’t for the angels I’ve met along the way. Along the way of this Amazing Race. We all deserve to be touched by angels!! We do! And that, that WILL come true! Pete Tong, I am hugely hugely inspired by you! And not because you’re deaf.

But cuz of the intensity with which you lived…and most importantly; live! And I know why I’ve lived the way I did. To open my heart. And remember why I’m here; to do what I love and love what I do and that life is not about me me me, solely. Homeless peeps? Are angels. If only we could see thru all the disguises we wear, there would be less despair..Published? 2:22 am

It is 3.33 am. Plans change quickly. No hair cut. Not seeing my aunt tonight either. Another day with just me. Either way: I’m happy. Just got a phonecall. A bailiff. Fun. Tho a bailiff just is too. What is? Is love. I’ve kept them up to date ’bout my fate thru out this Amazing [...]]]>

It is 3.33 am. Plans change quickly. No hair cut. Not seeing my aunt tonight either. Another day with just me. Either way: I’m happy. Just got a phonecall. A bailiff. Fun. Tho a bailiff just is too. What is? Is love. I’ve kept them up to date ’bout my fate thru out this Amazing Race. I simply have no money. Zero. I’m living with my mom. I can’t even buy my own toothpaste. Let alone tampons.

Does it get to me? No. Is it fun? No. Do I want it to change? YES! Then why don’t I work? Yeah, well I (time:3:37 am) know this might sound absurd, but…gotta minute? I don’t even know where to start. So I won’t. And that is why this is one of the hardest things to experience. (word count:212) Try explaining your situation to your friends, family and other loved ones. Don’t work! It’s trying to explain the inexplainable. Only the ones who are in this boat, get it. I’m happy for Auntie Bessie’s letter but maybe that makes for more questions.

My problem? Nope. My only problem is my re-sponsibility. By listening to it, I’ve come to this place. Right here, right now. No ones choice but mine. Does it suck? At times. You might think:”What bout the other responsibilities I have in life other than this purple ink?” Well, I can only say, the purple ink told me my life would stink way more if I were not to explore my inner core. I had to set my priorities straight. And this one? Would and could not wait! There was no debate!

Why? Well, I’ve been told this isn’t merely bout me me me, this is bout the whole of humanity. And this is the part where it becomes funny. (draft saved: 3:44:22 am)I don’t want to carry the load of humanity. I don’t wanna be like Deepak or Eckhart and I sure am not sayin’ I am. I simply wanna be me. Before I started to write, I didn’t know I had this story in me. Bit by bit it was and (word count:333)is uncovered and set free. You are reading it at the same pace as me.

I came to this, by no longer givin’ in to fear tactics. And most of those in society are based on? Money. But money isn’t bad. I love money. (word count:375) Money just is. What is? Is love. Money is neutral, just like me and you. It’s our beliefs which made it into the power craze it is today. Cuz yeah, these days? Money equals power.

To me? Freedom within equals power. Money? Does not save me or gimme power. I’m powerful beyond money. Nevertheless: I do love money. And money is the way we trade. But that might just change. Money will always be, but more importantly: so will we. Will we finally rule the money or does money continue to rule us? It’s up to us!!! And our beliefs. And no longer buying into fear tactics of our three D reality.

What did I say to the bailiff? I told him I have no dough, that I don’t know when it will show but what I do know is your e-mail address and I will continue to update you on my status quo. Tho he probably don’t know a status quo; is an illusion….

Neither did I. Until I started to fly! Do you be-lie-ve what you see, or see what you believe?! Time: 4 pm. Man, it’s bout time to break the dam!(word count:573)Published? 4:04 am.