Linda Kristien

I feel good but I don’t. Makes sense? Something is holding me down. And after talking to a friend over skype I know what it is. Fact is, it was nothing we discussed that had anything to do with what’s been keeping me down. Maybe hearing a familiar voice triggered something within. A longing. Accompanied by a feeling of melancholy.

A feeling that has been with me for the past few weeks on and off. Everytime this feeling washes over me, it seems to be stronger than the last time it hit me. And this morning it’s hitting me hard. Melancholy.

But why? And what for? And what does it have to do with the song Clocks by Coldplay? Doesn’t that song trigger a feeling of melancholy within for you? It does for me. I remember their cd had just come out and Coldplay was listed to play at this festival two hours away from where I used to live. I wanted to go really bad but ofcourse; I had no money. No friends who were into going either. I wanted to enjoy Jay-Z and dance to the tunes of wicked dj’s. But, no friends and no money so I couldn’t go. What year was it, 2008? I wonder what has changed…

***

“You should come next year, you’d totally fit in, you’d love it!” Is what his e-mail read. He’d sent it to me right after he drove home from Burningman. Now he needed to decompress. This man, he’d found me on twitter and told me about burningman. I looked it up and I knew: that would be something I could easily get used to. But no money and with who would I go? I’m kinda sick of doing stuff solo. I mean, I love me; I’m my own best company and we have a lot of fun but really, this circle of friends is gettn kinda small. Plus I don’t want it to always revolve around; me! I’m not the center of the Universe; it’s all inside of me.

Since the Universe is inside of me that means that I must have a lot of friends; somewhere, anywhere, who are like me?! This cellar is getting too small for me. Literally. I want to fly, but I keep bouncing off of the walls. I want to exercise and run, but then the aliens keep me down. “No, lay down, we need to do a little more work on you!” I obey. I really have nothing to say in their play. If I think I’m in control, well, immediately they’ll let me know:”One more sec and you’ll step into the unexpect!” I can’t count how many times I’ve been told that. How long is a sec, if there is no time?

***

Burningman. I’ll have to wait until September. Or is it August? Either way, my online friend said he’d have some sort of discount coupon for me. You know what I said? “I don’t know why, but I have this feeling I’m gonna be there this year and that I won’t be needing your coupon.” Weird eh?! I don’t know why I said that but when I did, I remembered two previous times I’d said something a long the line of a premonition out of the blue to peeps. Both of those things came true. Not only some of my dreams are foreseeing, some of my words are too.

Maybe I shouldn’t tell you what I felt and knew the moment I watched a clip of the Oscars the other night? I’ll refrain. I can only tell you it was surreal. I was there. I was holding a statue. I was literally there. I’ve had a few moments like that before. One was when I was walking on a beach with my friend and told her how I felt, literally; that I was in a movie-scene. I literally stepped on set. That was about a year ago. It felt somewhat like stepping into a different but very real reality.

Burningman? I don’t know, we’ll see. Now is all that counts. There is no right time or right place. You’re always at the right place at the right time and there are no mistakes. Only jokes. Very very good jokes. But I’m not getting this one just yet. Maybe once I manage to step out of bed? “Whoever is energetically working on me, it is taking painfully long!” I feel like I’m sedated; so sleepy. So what do I do? I give in and close my eyes. I’ll let you know whether it was a good flight.

ps. The vid? Wait until you’re five minutes in. The white orbs you see, is exactly what I see in my room sometimes or when out in nature. They come floating in and they disappear as mysteriously as they appear. Sometimes they visit me in the shower too. At first it scared me, now when it happens I communicate with them telepathically. Seeing them makes me happy, they feel really good! But they’re always here, whether you see ‘em or not. I feel ‘em all the time.

“Spartacus star Andy Whitfield diagnosed with non-hodgkin lymphoma.” I read on PerezHilton.com. In other words; he’s got cancer. Immediately I remember Kevin. Who is Kevin? Kevin is a guy who used to intrigue me. I never knew I intrigued him too. Not even after all the times my brother would come home after soccer-practice saying:”Hey Lin, again, Kevin said to say hi to you!” I never thought anything of it. I just liked him and thought he was really nice. And how nice of him to say ‘hi’ to me, everytime my bro would run into him at his soccer practice. Yeah, Kevin and me; we’ve always had that distance “I -like -you, I-kinda- know- you- like- me- too-but- what- to- do’ kinda thing going on. And it always remained unspoken. It was felt.

***

We’ve known each other since we were kids. First I noticed him as the very hot guy at our community swimming pool. He was the one always ripping it up on the diving boards. Doing one after the other too dangerous but too cool of a trick. I was to shy to say hi to him and when he did look at me I’d look away. Afraid I would turn beet-red if our eyes would met. Later on I knew him as the guy who’d always hang out with his dad at the swimming pool. Was it because he was in remission? In remission from cancer? I knew he’d had it as a kid. Then one day, through the grapevine I’d found out the cancer had returned. Is that why suddenly his dad was with him everywhere?

***

I’ve always liked Kevin. I’ve always felt some kind of kinship with him. We never really got super acqainted until we were suprised to find out we were attending the same school after high school. It made me nervous, but somehow we were always drawn to each other. I remember one of the last times I had spoken Kevin before we found out we were attending the same school. It was when he was, again, in remission of Hodgkin. He was on such harsh meds that he didn’t even look like himself. He was fully bloated. I believe he was on some sort of  meds which are used for horses too, brutally harsh on the body. I felt for him. No pity, but I felt for him. I could only imagine how lonely it must be to go through something he was going through, being so young and who would be able to relate? Like really relate? And could he relate to others about it?

Did I feel for him, because secretely I could relate, because I, was like him, I am like him? Throughout my entire life I felt that there has never been anyone, who really totally got me. Who felt me, the way I feel myself. I don’t know what that must be like, to be with someone who can relate to me, who understands all I say but mostly, who can feel me. I can only imagine it must be like heaven.

***

Relationships. I have the best relationship ever! I couldn’t wish for a better partner. For a better friend. For a better lover at times too. But it does get a little lonely. Sometimes you simply wanna share what you’ve grown to love. I’m not so much into threesomes. I don’t need to. I’m already One. Perfectly Imperfect with me balancing in the middle. My partner and me? We communicate without words. It’s heaven. The sensations it makes me feel at times are off the charts too. Who is my partner? My partner, is me. 

***

After attending the same classes for a while, Kevin stopped coming to school. His best bud told me his cancer had come back. I was incredibly sad about it. Our relationship wasn’t such that I would go and visit him in the hospital. I don’t know why it was that way. Or do I? I did. I could feel it. I sensed he was embarrassed for me to see him in such vulnerable state. But if only he knew how much I wanted to be with him, sit next to him and talk about everyday’s stupid little things. I never went to see him in the hospital. I wish I would’ve ignored that voice of fear in my mind back then. The voice that reacted to that which I sensed coming from him. Or was it coming from me too? Either way, I was scared. Now I would make a different decision. I would go. Say hello. And embrace him. Say nothing but let him feel what I feel. Love. I believe that’s the way to heal.  

Everytime his best bud would come up to me at school after visiting Kevin in the hospital or having talked to him over the phone, he’d say:”Kevin said to say hi to you!” It would break my heart. “Why didn’t I just go?”

***

“Did you get the garlic?” A woman in her mid-thirties pushing a grocery-cart with her kid in it, bitches at what seems to be her husband. The man looks at her in disgust and slowly walks away towards to where the garlic gloves are located in the supermarket. In passing I observe this scene. I walk away from it. Thinking:” I’d rather be alone, happy and single than to be in a relationship where two peeps bitch and whine at each other.” I want a relationship to be easy. Nothing less, nothing more; easy. Like the relationship I have with myself. We’re having so much fun, amazing conversations, lots of passion and full on integrity. Me and myself. As within so without? 

While absorbed in my thoughts I find myself stopping in front of aisle number seven. I look up and stare right in the face of hundreds of cans of chili. Vegetarian chili, low sodium chili; you name it, they have it. The white board with black letters in front of it reads:”Now on special: Two for one.”

I walk away. Amusingly pissed and I have to laugh too. “Stop shoving it in my face!!” “And besides: chili shouldn’t be eatn out of a can, it’s best freshly made, especially eaten after three days!” I think while I blindly stroll on. I find myself stopping somewhere in front of more canned food. Like I was guided there. I was on auto-pilot, absorbed in my thoughts. I look up. Right in front of me, a tuna can reads: “Flaked Light Tuna, Spicy Thai Chili.” I bought two. I give up. Didn’t I make peace with it?! I did.

Something’s up, something’s up. For days now this feeling has been getting stronger and stronger. Now, when writing about it, I get the goosebumps. Maja goosebumps. Last night? One black hole. I was completely out. No recollection of anything. Normally, when I sleep; I dream. I dream a lot and intensily. Last night? Where was I?! I woke up with a slight headache located in my forehead right in between my eyes. This pain has been with me for the last three days or so.

After waking up from this black hole state of sleep, I’m so out of it and still so fatigued, I remain in my bed and fall asleep again. This time I dream. And it was wonderful but strange. It is 11:11 right now and I’ll tell you about my dream. It had to do with gravity, jumping and family. It was a very symbolic dream.

Around me is a friend, it appeared to be my real life friend from the gallery. I am showing her tricks but she is unable to see it. We arranged for a time to meet and I show up. I am jumping right in front of her, really really unbelievably high. She doesn’t seem to notice it. When I am jumping it is almost like I am floating, like I am capable of escaping gravity. We move on and we walk into my dad and his brother. And again, right in front of their eyes I am jumping up and down and doing somersaults, almost in slow-mo, but they are unable to see it, it seems. My uncle and my dad only seem to have eyes for the two blondes a little bit to the left of them.

I continue to jump and I am so incredible light and happy and all I want is to share this jumping with them, but they don’t even seem to notice that I jump incredibly high, do the most insane tricks while at it and am escaping gravity. I’m having so much fun! Even though it is a little bit lonely and I would love to share it. I want to share it so they can play too and feel how good it feels to be able to jump like this.

Now that I’m awake, about an hour after I had the above dream; this feeling of feeling like an animal right before a tsunami hits, is with me again. Wow! It is so incredibly strong, so present, so in my face. Goosebumps. I keep hearing family, family, family in my mind. Immediately I know it’s directly related to a dream I had a while ago. A dream I wrote about as well. You can read it right here.

Sometimes, my feelings are confirmed through synchronicities or little things I see or hear here and there. This morning was no different. An online forum I visit on and off had a link posted with a song attached to it, a song to which I listened over and over last year in March around the same date as we are now and again last July. I wrote a piece in July which said: Ready now… I totally forgot about it, but the link and especially the song reminded me of having attached the same song to a previous piece of mine but I had no idea which one. I looked it up and it turned out to be ’Ready now.’ This is how this script is being pulled together. I know by feeling what road to take and what sign to follow. This is the third time in a year this song is popping up. Full circle with ready now?!

***

Luck. It’s where opportunity meets preparation. Where the two lines of a cross meet in the middle. Where a sine and cosine wave meet, intersect. Is that where I’m at?

I guess this is gonna be another day of chillin in bed. Although, nature is calling my name too, pretty rad. Will I have the energy to get out of my cellar today? I wonder what the trees will have to say? By the way; my jaws and ears are killing me. The pressure in both is so enormous. It’s almost like they’re gonna explode on me. One moment my ears are in vacuum state, the next they pop and a whole new way of hearing, it seems, has popped. It’s fascinating what’s going on with my body, that’s for sure. As with life; surrender and to be, is the cure. It’s every moment I love; the journey! There is no destination, like there is no end and no beginning. Just now.

***

Ps. The song? Fragma; a miracle. But, I have to say, as opposed to what I”ve previously said and as opposed to what the song is saying: I don’t need a miracle, I don’t depend on miracles but I do believe in miracles. You know why? I am a miracle. And so are you! And isn’t life a mirror? Yes it is. The law of attraction doesn’t exist. It should be called the law of mirroring. I am a miracle and everyday my life mirrors exactly that.

I like it hot. Like, really really hot. I love spicy food. The ones that make you sweat. The hotter the better. I’ve found my fave chili recipe already, one google search and there it was. Yum. I’ll use my imagination a bit and add some extra veggies. Merely ground beef, onion and beans isn’t really enough. It needs mushrooms, garlic, red pepper and to top it off a few hot peppers. Add the right spices et voila; a really good recipe.

***

“Chile quake may have changed space and time” reads a link sent to me by a dear dear friend. The quake with a magnitude of 8.8 may have been so severe that it knocked the planet slightly off its axis and may have shortened the time of day. I’m thinking:” Ah it’s beginning, finally, it’s about time!”

Back to now. Chili. You know, the thing with Chili is, it gets better after three days. All the spices have mingled well and seeped into the ingredients. Not like apples. Well, you can purchase apples and store them for a week or so, but once you start to eat an apple, you have to finish it. Otherwise it gets those nasty brown spots, just doesn’t look so appetizing. I eat my apples in one sitting. Once I take a bite, I finish the whole apple. I never eat half and then put it away.

It’s with these stories. I can’t write just half of it, I have to go all the way. What if that would change? What if I could eat half of my apple, store it and put it away, eat some chili and finish my apple after, like a dessert? Or, or what if I were to put apple in my chili? You think it would taste good? Has anyone ever tried? Care to to tell me bout the taste? Or should I try for myself and see what it tastes like?!

***

The earth quake in Chile happened a little over a week ago. It was on a day I felt super super low. Not the day before. The day before I was just fine. In fact; the day before I was pregnant with possibility. Then I decided to give birth. Or did I? Was it really me? Wasn’t it the baby who decided it wanted to be free? The baby came out and I wasn’t ready. Felt no connection. Last night I looked at my baby again. I haven’t even seen it in real life. I’m starting to feel a connection, no more post-partum depression. 

Is that where chili and apple mingle? Or should apples and chili stay separate, single? I mean, seriously! This is getting ridiculous. The earthquake really seems to have an affect on me. I’ve not been the same since. To be honest; I’m a little more chilled. At peace. Is that what shortening the time of day does? The collapsing of time makes us whine less? If that is so, I’d say; bring on a little more chili. We could all use a little less stress and maybe some more…..sex?!

While I’m spooning Nutella out of a jar, yes my ‘landlord’ should know by now I smell sugar from afar cuz its his, but that aside, while taking a shower I discovered there were more words in my heart to hide. Seriously! Water is like magic to me. It triggers me majorly. Maybe, because I’m a fire-sign? And what’s with this rhyme? It’s coming back again. I thought it was long gone. Yet I let it be, it comes so naturally. Like number three, after one and two. I must be on a roll today, cuz hey; I’ve been writing (while co-incidently I look at the time: 1:23, no shit!)like crazy today. Always happens when the energy is intense. The others in ascension-land are down and out and I start to write so I can unload that whatever wants to be out in the online spotlight. Enlightens me, so I set ‘em free.

***

Holy Mother Maria. I could not believe the size of my boobs this morning. Seriously! I am used to being a fairly generous A. This morning? At least a C. Suits me. Size don’t matter to me. Can’t remember the last time I wore a bra either. Not that I would have one that would fit my size C nor would it fit my bill. The numbers in my bank account? I will hold still. I wear classy yoga-tops for support or nothing at all. I mean, it’s not like my boobs are down to my waist. They’re still pretty perky, just like those nipples of mine.

My nipples. I’m not always aware of how I look or what I say and how it impacts others. Friends need to remind me of that a lot of the time. I’m also never aware whether a guy likes me or not. But yesterday, I figured something out for myself. There’s this guy-barista who always gets really nervous when I order something with him. I always thought:” What am I doing wrong, why are you so nervous around me?” Yesterday it hit me.

” A tea please,” I said. Barista glances at me. Barista looks down. Barista continues to look down. Barista looks up all nervously, and I’m thinking: “What’s up?!” While he preps my tea, I look down at where his look was focused on me.”Shit, holy mother maria!” Next time I see him I should say:” No, I’m not cold, I’m just happy to see ya!” My nipps were greeting him in a way, not even good ‘ol Pammie could do for you. Holeee.

***

Water. I can’t live without. I need to be around a lake, the ocean or snow. You know, calms me down. Inspires me too. The shower-stories that are coming through are proof for you. The shower I just took made me remember that one time, like a year and a half ago, a man who read my tea-leaves. Yeah, I used to be into going to psychics and all that stuff. Until I discovered; I’m my own best psychic. Hey man, life is a self fullfilling prophecy. If you dare to let go and follow the trace of your heart, you truly step into your own and highest multi-dimensional potentiality reality. Forget the road in between letting go and stepping into the shoes which have always been waiting for you; it’s not rad. So I’d rather remember the good stuff; now that I’ve unloaded the bad. But the thing is; it’s all pretty rad, cuz the good and the bad seem to becoming together Now. Where all is One. Without good no bad but the moment they become One? Peace and Divinity.

Like Sacred Geometry. There is always a key to a lock.  A lid to a jar. Ha, you thought I was going to say something else ey? There’s always a lid to a vajayjay. But it wasn’t what I was gonna say. Now I did it anyway.

I’m drifting off. So yeah, I used to be a member of those group of peeps who like to have a peek into a Crystal ball. I’m well lit up by now and there are certain things which make me remember stuff with the speed of light; water. Where were we? Ah yeah, at the guy who once read my tea-leaves. You know what he said? “You’re gonna be with a man who is really eccentric, like, really eccentric!” And I was like: “Sure” but I totally forgot. Until the water just dropped off of my back .

***

Remember the end? I discovered the twin-flame, my man, is me! So I’m thinking, this eccentric man is inside of me. Makes sense. The ‘normal’ to the eccentric; Sacred Geometry. Some eccentricity comes out when I write. And I’ve got some more up my sleeve; haven’t gone all out just yet. Just gettin’ started. It’s all about the right time, the right place; can’t force it.  

I’m eccentric on the inside on the outside I kinda look like the girl next door. Although I’d sign having the looks like Jen or Drew. But what about multi-dimensionality? It taught me; as within-so without, without a doubt! And what about fractality? Becoming self-similar? Just wait until Steve Jobs pops… Until then; I’ll share my eccentric side through my pen.

These words? My heart; pure and smart. All and Nothing. Eccentric and the girl next door. Hey, I’m loving her more and more. I’m thinking she should go viral, like in a way never done before. Explore! The world! That’s what I adore. But I’d rather not go viral alone while on my way. I’m not doing so well handling viruses, I don’t get them. A man who knows how to work an Apple-mac would be rad!

I fell in love behind my computer. And I think I may come back for more. Heard that song, the Apple song? I’ve altered it a little. The song is stuck in my head since this am. Hadn’t heard it in ages but it started playing in my mind this am. I looked it up and remembered: “Ah, it was posted along with the post ‘how Apple was born’.” I was born out of a joke. How fitting, since I’m a big prankster. Been ages though since I’ve played a good prank! “Ashton, where are thou?! Need help?! I’m pretty good at thinking out a good prank!”

Or is Asthon and Punk’d no more?! I dunno, no tv here, I’m writing while I look at the clock: 11:23. I must be on a rollllll. Pssst, let me tell you a secret. Or maybe I shouldnt. I don’t wanna jinx it. Or is that superstition? Isn’t that merely a self fullfiling prophecy? Just like life?!

I had two giant Jumbo Dill Pickles for breakfast. Havent been outta my bed yet, even tho I have to pee real bad. Yeah man, my life is so rad! So much going on, I adore. I have no schedule. Never will. I live the way my heart gives in. It’s rad, it’s relaxed. Wellllll, let’s be honest here though. I haven’t gotten up because I don’t wanna feel my thighs touch. Yo man, I’m not kidding when I say I once had a hot bod like Gisele. You know the boobs from Brasil. But you know what they say too?

What you love you let go, if it comes back then you know. If it doesn’t you never had it! So you get it; I remain on my ass because I know what I once had! A super hot bod. I trust it’ll come back to me by taking life easy. I eat what I adore. Somedays its veggies, others its cookies. But everyday, yes everyday; I eat at least one apple! No shit. Every-day.

You know what they say eh?! An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Haven’t seen one since 2007. Wasn’t really eatn that many apples back then. Things have changed. So has my face. Lines, wierd spots, simply not hot. I wonder what’s up?! Hey, but I do know. It’s this frickin ascension show. When will it stop?! When will my angelic face pop?

I have enough of this crap. I’m not feeling shitty, I’m not feeling good either. I’m in between. Between knowing I’m One but have yet, to step into the unexpect. I’ve been told it’s Divine. Am I too eager when I ask: when will it be mine?! It’s about fricking time! Does this sound like I whine? Eh, the heart doesn’t suppress. All comes out, the good, the bad the ugly! Try it, self-expression; so healthy! Not harming anyone am I? How do ya like this this apple-bite? Hope it keeps the doctor at bay; jo-hey!

Since I’m on a rolll; I’m telling ya I’d like to take a strollll, with Steve Jobs. No not to beg for a job; got me one already. You’re eating off of it while you’re at it. Your eyes absorb the energy of my words. They’re infused with something purrre. My hearts energy. So hey Steve, wadda ya think of some sponsorship? Picture this: me blogging while travellin. Around the Globe. Wouldn’t that be dope?! While at it; the other Steve, add an N and you get it; Spielberg; will be making a movie of this story. Yeah, about the script over which I flipped! So rad.

Anywhooo; nuff rambling for neeewww. Rap on! Writing just turned the switch for feeling crappy off. This post is gonna be published at exactly twelve o’clock. Isn’t that when dreams come true? Or is that not at noon? O, it’s at midnight?! Man, Crystal’s always light. No time, no space. Just One thing. Means my dreams can begin. Now. It’s all we have I get from that somehow… But who am I? Presently; a Crystal chick starring in her own flick!

And Steve, you should know: I’m working on a pc. An acer. I hope I’ve aced this apple-bite. But yeah, you’re right; it’s time for a mac and some more bites!

There are three things which have screwed with humankinds minds. Three words actually. Manifestation. Positivity and Action. Yeppers. Very dangerous words. That is if you don’t get the working of it. For all three, you don’t need to do anything. Nothing. No-thing. You’ve probably heard or maybe even read the book the secret? As have I. I’ve read it. Years ago. Great book but I felt something was off, something was missing. Something so important, so vital, without it you can’t live. Like a human body without a heart.

It’s the heart that was missing. I missed a heart in the book the secret. It’s the same I miss in all the stories about how manifesting works. Where’s the heart in those stories? Then there is positivity. I have to be careful here, because positivity can be deadly. Yeppers. You’re reading it right. Positivity can be deadly if you smear it on top of layers of negativity which you haven’t looked at. Putting positivity atop layers of negativity is like lava on the surface of the earth. It burns. It hurts. But it needed to erupt because the lava had gotten so hot; it could no longer stay in. So pooof, there it went; all over; hurting everything and everyone in the close realms to the lava outburst.

That’s how it works with positivity. Keep smearing it over layers of unresolved shit and sooner or later; you will erupt. Or get sick. But really, there is no sickness or health. It’s about balance. In balance sickness and health are One. One has embraced the other. How can you be positive if you haven’t embraced the negative? It’s like denying half of yourself. You are male and female. Repress one side and you might get overly aggressive. Repressing causes disruptions. Eventually. It’s a gradual process, but it happens.

Nothing wrong with positivity, nothing wrong with negativity either. Yet if those two are balanced out, there is no longer a need to be either overly positive or overly negative. You will come to the conclusion that everything just is. Oneness, neutrality. Peace.

Creating is aggression in action. We are naturally aggressive. It’s our life force. It’s what you are. How do you want to direct your life-force? Or is it directing you? What are you repressing and not expressing?

***

Manifesting. It’s become a popular word. It sells books too. Heaps. I’m done with the word manifesting. It feels so 2002. Here’s the latest. Try to just be. The power of being allows for your natural aggressive state to surface. For me it is writing. It’s when I’m at my most aggressive state. If I don’t I start to implode, or worse; become aggressive towards myself. I start to eat myself. Energetically. It’s not pretty. No more trying to manifest stuff for me. When I am, I know all will come to me naturally, automatically and magnetically. My life force, when it speaks? These words here; it’s my heart. The strongest magnet in my being. It knows without seeing. It knows without hearing. I obey. I do not want to get in the way of something way smarter than little me. Together we are in perfect harmony. It is directing me and I obey. I allow for my life-force to pave my way.

***

Action. The third one. You’re reading it, right here. This is my action. My foundation for life. I trust it will be enough. You know why? I have faith. It’s not blind, but visionary. A vision comes straight from the heart. Be smart. Be. The only thing that works for me? Surrender to whatever I hear and see. I trust there is a right time and a right place for everything coming together for me, something I can not manipulate. True surrender doesn’t worry either you see.

psst; the above vid? Life-force at its best. People doing by being who they are at their most authentic. Gotta love Jimmy Kimmel. psst 2: It’s also my coming out; yes I love me some Perez. It’s the fashion man, the Oscar-fashion. Works like a magnet for me, its pulling me over to Perez. Loved SJP’s dress. Just loved it!

Yesterday after eating all sorts licorice I knew: this is it! Lately with intervals the sugar attacks kept coming back, but after yesterday’s I knew: no more. Some sugar here and there I will do, but the amounts I was eating was insane, I’m telling you. I ate it while writing on top of a mountain seeing the town I live in, in One view. I walked back down and I knew and felt what I had to do.

I stopped at Shoppers drugmart and I bought myself an InStyle, razor blades, and a mud-mask for my face. I wanted to take care of myself. Despite the lack of money. Despite the InStyle costing six dollars. I wanted to pamper that what I love. While walking back home with the purchased items in my bag, with every step I started to feel better, even though I was feeling exhausted. I guess it was merely the rush of the sugar wearing off.

I came home. Got myself comfy, wrote a little and then I had to pee. I drink so much water during a day it’s not even funny. At least 4 liters a day. Comes naturally. Once my water bottle is empty I fill it right away. It’s become an automatic response to reach for my water bottle while writing. So what do you do when you have to pee? You go looking for the loo. In this house I know where it is, so I went straight for it. But not quite. I stopped.

I stopped in front of the mirror in the washroom. And what I saw I loved! I absolutely loved it! The thing I loved the most is the thing I hated the most growing up. Lying! I hated it for at least thirty one years. It’s frizzy and curly. I used to fake people with it too. They thought I was dumb but beneath it all I knew: “I’m so playing you!” That’s what some blondes do. Not me, cuz I was playing myself too. Just didn’t know. Until I looked in the mirror.

I looked in the mirror and that’s when I knew: you gotta love what you hate before it can transform right in front of you! My hair; I love it, I totally do! But then Jim Carrey comes in again. The scene in the movie Me, Myself and Irene? The scene in which he is slapping himself? That was me. For years, even while writing out my story. So funny! I could not see that what I love in others is also in me. I love painters? I can be one too. I love fashion? I can work that too! Movies? I’m writing a script in front of you! I’m not the center of the Universe, the Universe is the center of me! Can’t you see?! You, yes you: are me!

The question is: who will be the first to pick this script up? Before the big buzz….. Have I told you yet I trust?! I do. Even before I consciously knew. That’s what life does; it plays pranks on us! Thank God I love pranks. I love to write about them, I love to work on them and I love to be played too. Demands a lot of flexibility. Something I don’t really have. Physically. In my mind there is no lack of it. That’s where Sacred Geometry comes in. It looks out of whack, but it really isn’t. It’s genius. Like two peas in a pod.

How would one pea know it’s a pea if the other does not? One looked in the mirror and the other just forgot. Mirrors are so beautiful. They are everywhere. It’s a tree. It’s a butterfly. It’s a friend. It’s the person you hate the most. But you gotta love what you hate before it can transform. To Oneness. Where all is nothing and noting is all. Peace. Love. Joy and Unity. That’s real Divinity.

During last year but especially in the first few months of ‘09, on and off I saw this picture of a frantic Einstein in my mind’s eye. It has changed. Einstein is at peace now. Einstein also happened to be one of the first peeps I channeled. He had something to say about time. ‘Course; no surprise there. His relativity-theory was discussed too. But since a few days I keep seeing this huge tidal wave with my third eye. I mean huge!

Actually, let me tell you what I see precisely: I see a road. Like a dead-end road. At the end of the road is a full circle and over that circle is that huge tidal wave coming in. Seeing this comes along with feelings of eerie-ness, feeling lonely but there is a lot of excitement too; it feels unknown.

Writing. The frantic part is over. It really feels like that. Thank God. It was exhausting. I really did feel like Einstein desperately trying to solve some kinda puzzle. Which, in the end seemed so simple. Isn’t that with all things in life? We make it all unbelievably complicated but the most complicated things turn out to be the simplest ever. I mean, what the hell are we doing to ourselves? For me, life is about simplicity. Just the way I like my fashion too. Simple, but with a twist.

I really like Jil Sander, Hugo Boss for women and Zac Posen too. I’m not too much into prints. I love color. Lots of it. And to mix and match old with new, the expected with the unexpect but never complicated, always simple with a twist. A design that makes you want to look twice. You know, the designs that look very nifty and simple at first glance, but when you look again, you go: “Omg, that is genius, I can’t believe I didn’t see that the first time?!” Yup, that’s what I like.

Vivienne Westwood got some great great stuff too. Just like Dolce and Gabbana but their genius is right there, in your face. Some geniuses are more hidden. Some you really have to trace. Some recognize those geniuses right away, for others it takes a little while to notice what was once a hidden genius to them. But once they do see it: wow, a whole new world opens up to them, what a gem!

That’s why I like fashion so much, it’s like life, you can play with it. Unfortunately I havent been able to play with it the last few years as much as I would’ve liked. You know, the dough thing. I can’t even sow. So making clothes for myself is not an option. That’s where the mixing and matching comes in. I do alter my clothes sometimes but never to the extend I actually have to use a needle and thread.

***

When I was living in my house in Holland on my own, this side of me, the fashionista, really started to blossom. In the town I lived was a lady, who happened to have the same birthday as me, we got a long fabulously and she had a fabric-store. The store was tiny, full, colorful with lots and lots and lots of stuff in it. I adored going into her store, chat with her but mostly to look around and touch the fabrics, the buttons and let my imagination run wild. That’s how it started. I would come up with ideas and the lady would make it for me. She’d tell me what was possible and what wasn’t. Or I’d bring in an old garment of mine and told her exactly how I’d like it altered to my new liking. So much fun! We created together, she fully liked exploring ideas with me and see what she could produce as envisioned by me.

The town I lived in was tiny and I never really went all out fashion-wise. I held back. I mean, I was pretty out there already and I was totally pushing my own comfort zone with it too, but if I would’ve really dared to go all out back then, expressing myself the way I really really wanted to; I’m sure I would’ve shocked a few peeps here and there. Thinking about it makes me giggle.

***

Yesterday I decided to treat myself. I bought an InStyle. And I mean, this really really was a gift to myself considering the financial shizz I’m in. The cover was purple and pink, my two fave colors in the whole wide world at the moment. By the time I left Holland some of my friends called me miss pink. Purple and pink, all shades of it, just make me happy. They’re happy colors.

I sifted through the magazine and it felt sooo good. It felt like coming home. The colors, the shoes, the dresses, the jeans, the shirts, the accessories. I started salivating instantly. Like I can do in front of the all sorts licorice bin. That’s when I knew why I had eaten so much all sorts licorice previously that day! I had not been sweet enough to myself. Writing is my core but it isn’t enough anymore; there are other creative roads I’d like to explore.

The dough? I don’t worry. I trust myself and the things I see. But mostly? I let it be. Ever heard of that book, what’s it called? The power of now? I haven’t read it, I’ve lived it. It’s explosive!

(Written March 2nd) Sometimes, not very often, I read some of my old stuff. Everytime I do so, I discover new layers in it. Something I was unable to see before. It’s like abstract. With your nose pressed against the piece, you can’t see what is being told. You move away from it, let it be and after a while you re-read it and come to see something entirely new. Happened to me this morning. But last night, as I was walking home I was wondering about the following, inspired by a song a friend sent to me a few days ago:”Aren’t we all most afraid of what we really want the most?”

Love. (word count: 111)We all want it. We all desire it. We yearn for it. In twisted ways. In manipulative ways. In fearful ways. In complicated ways. It hardly ever seems to come in a pure natural, automatic, magnetic way. And if it does, we don’t recognize it. And when it’s right there, in front of us, we push it away, because that can’t be it, it’s too easy, to, to, yes to what?

It happened to me. And I needed to tell my story to get to this point. I needed to shed the layers of conditioning, fear and beliefs away in order to recognize light. Love. My own. And I did. But that wasn’t the end of it. And while writing this, I do get a little shaky, I do get a little nervous. Yet it’s like I’m almost pulled to go ahead with every word, every sentence. Magnetically.

***

Why do I write? There are (time: 10:10)many layers to it. Because I question everything. I wonder a lot about life. There are probably many reasons why it’s me who is writing this story. But the number one reason must be; because I’m not afraid to make an absolute fool out of myself in front of the whole world. As everyone with a computer can access this page. These days there are not many (word count: 333) on this planet without a pc. Well, my brother. I love him, he really beats to his own drum. Something I didn’t really get when growing up with him, but now I fully see the radiant incredible beauty of it. He isn’t a diamond in the rough. He IS a diamond.

I never thought that my brother, whom I havent talked to in almost three years, would be the key to unlock Apple’s story. Indirectly. Because really, it’s me, who is unlocking it. Like I said in the Appleinda code: Apple is the key to unlock the story.

But what was exactly my story? My story was that I was stuck. In fear. Fear to trust myself. Fear to listen to myself. Fear to be myself, though I always was. I was merely beating to the drum of other people. Unlike my brother.

***

I have written my life-story. In detail. It started with a butterfly. It came to me. My twin-flame? Is me. The masculin and feminine parts within have merged. Then came the great adventure. Had the merging really taken place? After some reviewing and tweaking and a little more releasing, I did something unexpected. I didn’t fall for the same trap a third time. I let it be. (time: 10:23) I did not clash into the mirror.

Then something funny happened. Something which naturally wanted to be. It happened once; and I let it come out. Then I closed that book because it was to make me see I wasn’t yet free, but still a little needy. I closed that book and a review came. (draft saved: 10:25:55) On the cusp; I managed to gallop away from the same mirror. I felt very free that day. You’d think that would be it.

No. Like a sticky little piece of bubblegum, which doesn’t want to go away; it stayed with me. Maybe because I haven’t had a good taste of the gum yet? When I write, automatically, naturally and almost like it’s meant to be; magnetically always comes back number three. This is the third time it’s happening. It doesn’t want to go away. What is it, I don’t see? Anyone care to help me?

Why am I so afraid to publish this post? Is it because I would be making a fool of myself, for the third time, or..am I afraid to be loved?

***

(Written today: March 5th) It is now three days later since I’ve written the above. A lot has happened since. See my last two posts. Why do we have friends? It’s to remind us who we already are. And so did she. She’s Italian but lives in New York. Remember me wondering:”What’s with Italy and New York?” It’s my soul-sista. She reminded me of who I already am.

Then I yelled out in this post: no messing with my man!! Referring to Seth. The Seth books. All about meta-physics. Because it was Seth who led me to himself. I got through writing that Seth is a part of me, in the beginning of this journey. His soul has merged with mine. Truly Divine. He let me rhyme. Automatically. Miraculously.

Next I became obsessed about finding love. Yet what we love we fear the most. In that state there is still polarity. Not oneness. There is one thing I forgot to mention in my two previous posts. I wrote about: there is no black, there is no white, not even grey. No thick or thin, up or down, left or right. If that is so, then there is also no love and no fear. Those two are One also!

What happens when love merges with fear? They become One. But what is One, what does that mean? If it’s all and nothing, isn’t that boring? Nah; it’s what’s called; Divinity! Neutrality! Peace and Unity.

***

I am a fool. I am crazy but insane too. I am nervous but I am calm too. I am love but fearful just the same. You know why? Because I am all and nothing; we come one. In true Oneness everything happens magnetically. Beautifully. Vibrationally. Without any boundaries. If number three naturally wants to be, in my writing, I let it be. I’ve made peace with it.

It was a simple chat. A simple chat which finally totally really shattered every single boundary within me and it happened this evening. I’ve felt glimpses many times before, but it really hit me this eve. When I write I automatically tweak my reality; constantly re-aligning with my heart. It happens automatically. It’s when I’m in the moment, yet we always are. We just forget. That’s when remembering comes in handy. Once ‘back’ in the moment, now; you don’t need to remember anything.

When you are in a state of forgetting who you are; all yet nothing; we read books, blogs, go on a nature stroll, meditate, smoke a doobie, do a handstand, whatever works for you and comes in handy to help you remember; there really is no me or you. All is One.

In that moment, where there is no need to remember, where all is nothing; I create. My faith. It’s when I consciously co-create. In that Now-stargate. It’s where we have the ability to consciously alter our past and future. But really; it’s all One. The present moment.

***

“I’m on the same page as you.” Is what he said. “That’s nice, but there really is no page.” I replied. That’s when it clicked. And I mean, really really clicked! You know, we all know a lot of things but not until you really really feel it, it becomes One with you. What’s in your mind sinks down into your heart and it melts into one. And vice versa.

There is no page, just like there is no in- or out the box. Thing is, there’s not even such thing as a box. Life is fluidity. Everything is. Sexuality is fluid. What else can it be? In life there simply is no polarity. No polarity means no opposites. No male or female. No thick or thin. No black or white, not even grey. All is. In it exists everything and nothing but without boxes, boundaries or limits. The Alpha and the Omega. The beginning and the end.

It really hit me tonight while on my way with two friends to have a drink and a bite to eat. Yeppers; a drink! Because I felt like it. The beauty is; it didn’t hit me hard, like it usually does. It was simply delicious. There is no right or wrong. We are here in human form to have fun, to enjoy life! I simply forgot. Now, I remember!

Wanna play with me?

Wow! What a day so far. I love it when things just fall into place like nothing has ever changed, yet everything has. That’s the kinda day it is for me today. I was stuck. But not willing to see it. I felt it, but I kept going round and round up and down and I do have to admit; regrettably: I was stuck on repeat. I was re-acting. ‘N had a little tweaking to do..

What if you’ve gotten it all clear for yourself, figured it all out, but the same frickin’ signs keep coming your way? And because you know this is a multi-dimensional reality we live in, you think you have to explore it? Imperative word being think. The last week or so, I wasn’t feeling it anymore. But I kept going and going, round and round. Until today.

I do not need to re-act to people. Places. Situations. Stories, no not even to signs. We give ourselves these signs because spirit, me, gives us exactly that where our attention is at. You ask? You recieve! Here it is. Go for it, play with it, have fun with it. And I did. Totally, with a passion. But somewhere in the last few weeks that feeling of the post Bubblegum started to sneak in again.

And today I figured out why. Why, if I know that everything just is; did I continue to re-act to signs? Feelings? Synchronicities? They’re fun. They’re cool. But, EVERYTHING JUST IS. That is exactly what my story began with. And I’m back to square one. Not until I stop re-acting to signs, stories, people, synchronicities et all, will I catapult myself into a new reality. One that IS. ONE that is totally free from karma. The funny thing about that is; Karma does not exist. Karma just is, because we let it. Because we re-act. And re-acting for me was also the writing. Even though in my life I no longer do, in my writing it came through. Because it’s my heart speaking to you. Pure and honest. But mostly it was speaking to me.

***

I went to see my friend in the gallery, it’s been ages. Great to chat. No re-actions. I went to Artista, the place I started out writing here in this town. Got myself a steamed caramel soymilk and walked out. No re-actions. Neutrality. Walked back home, feeling this enormous impetus to write. And now that I do, I really have no clue what to tell you. Does that mean I’m done? This was the story of my life, it’s been a great ride, but in the end; it all just was? That sure is full circle.

Why did it take me so long to get to this point even though I knew all this before I started to write? Because I had to dump my story somewhere didn’t I? I hope it helped you, it sure did help me. All this releasing and reviewing, pfff. But you can’t start a new play if the old one is still playing. It has stopped, as per today. But now what? Is this it?

And I do wonder…. What’s in this new cycle? And why am I so extremely giddy today? Everything just Is and I’m gonna play with it. After all, it’s all I ever wanted; to PLAY and have FUN!

***

And honestly: I got a bit sick of writing about me, me, me…. Hopefully that’s over now.

(Time: 7:00)”You are the most lovely, amazing, funny, honest, creative, poetic, deep, caring and spiritual person on the planet, I’m honored to know you!” I read. I smiled. And I almost cried. Almost. “Told ya I hardly ever cry don’t I?”

A somewhat older man who follows me on Twitter direct-messaged the above to me a day ago. No shit! But as with food and stories, you eat it, you savour it, you thoroughly enjoy it and then? Well, you know what happens when you don’t let go of food and stories don’t you? It hurts. Not funny. So you let it go. Same with kudos. But this one, I savoured especially long. I read it, re-read it and saved it. Until I press delete after writing this piece.

Attachment isn’t healthy. Not to the ugly, nor to the pretty. One eats you alive and brings you down, the other can make you float. I like the middle. Balance. Peace. Neutrality. It’s where everything dissolves into One. Love.

***

(Time: 7:07)”You should put ads on your blog and monetize it!” My dear friend K. e-mails me with the best of intentions. She e-mailed me a lay-out of how-to and why, she’d help me do it all. She’s a web designer. I read it. I read it again. I’m not feeling it. It would equal me walking around town with ads plastered all over my clothes. This page is sacred. I don’t attach to it, but to me it’s sacred. It’s me. It’s pure. I direct it, shape it and savour it. What no longer feels good to me I let go of. I know it will monetize itself by just letting it be. Heartbased giving always works. Wanna bite out of my apple? You’re eating it, while reading it. It’s free, unconditional. No strings attached, the least of it; ads!

There’s two ‘things’ I support on my blog. Look to your left. They’re sacred to me. One is making jewelry, based on Sacred Geometry. Divinely inspired. The other is my soul sista. But they’re not ads; nor random. I picked them and they picked me. Feels good to me this way. I trust money will come to me automatically, naturally and magnetically. After all, the heart is the strongest magnet in our being. Pure science, you’ll see.  

I didn’t even realize it, until I sat down for a herbal spice licorice tea at the Adventure Centre to write after a long nature stroll. Today is a triple three day. I realized it when I wrote down the date of today atop the page of my paper. 03-03-2010 = 333.

Some info for those who love numbers: 33,333 or 33:33
This number offers you a choice. The holy trinity is activated within the tetrahedron (3 sided pyramid)in your DNA structure. This number offers an opportunity to connect with highly evolved spiritual beings/masters/angels/Christ. The trinity is the holiness within all of your choices. Your body, mind, spirit in agreement with your Soul’s evolution. Within this number you are not allowed to straddle the razor blade fence of indecision. Connection with the wisdom of the Oversoul and seeing the sacredness in all of your choices no matter what the outcome.

***

Back to yesterday. Sudden pickle craving. I walk into the grocery store. One pre-packed Jumbo Dill Pickle left on the shelves. “Must be my lucky day!” I think. I walk to the cash register. Wait in line behind a guy in front of me. Hot. Tall. Ginger. I carefully place my pickle behind his gallon of milk. The pickle is all I need to pay for. Hot guy looks down. Hot guy looks up. Hot guy turns his head towards me. Hot guy smiles. Hot guy gives me even bigger smile. I start to laugh out loud. “Impossible!” I exclaim while smiling back. In the meantime thinking:”By an alien maybe??”

The above was funny in itself. What made it even better is that I was capable of being and staying totally relaxed. No anxiety attacks. Nothing. I was able to have fun with it, play with it. The moment that is. Also happens when I write. I’ve discovered I’ve come to a point I can both direct the writing as being directed by it. Best is when it happens simultaneously. Lately it totally does. When I was still rhyming, the writing was totally directing me. Now I get to flirt and play! It’s hot!

***

“Omg, you’re pregnant with possibility”, my friend from NY replied to me e-lectronically not long after I had emailed her telling about my strange pickle craving and some other symptoms. That was right after I bought my first Jumbo Dill Pickle. Today I ate my second. What happens if I eat my third? Will I physically give birth?!

The Dirty Dancing Theme song is playing at the Adventure Centre while I write. Strange being here. I feel like I’ve ‘exhausted’ every coffeeshop in town as a writing spot. I’m ready for some new input. New surroundings, but I don’t know where to go. Plus there’s the money thing. I feel it’s all gonna be good.

Dirty Dancing reminds me of my oldest, though he’s younger than me, brother. When we were young, him and I did a lot of things together. No not that! For you dirty minds out there…My bro, he’s jovial, smiley, caring, strong, very intuitive, giving, social, people-lover, very athletic, smart and a party-er. But above all, he’s a diamond in the rough. He’s got the biggest heart of all of us five kids. He was right in the middle. The third. He’s tall, ginger and hot!

We used to go on week long sleep-over parties, just me and my bro as youngbees, once or twice a year to friends of us. Was a real outing for us. We’d be spoiled and noticed. Everytime while on such a sleep-over we’d watch the movie Dirty Dancing. Always. So odd. Not on a dvd; it was always aired on tv as a film when we came for our sleep-over. So odd. Weird too, that this memory is resurfacing. I wonder where it’ll lead to.

***

I don’t know what happened, but my bro and me, well we’ve kinda lost touch. I know we’re all good. I feel it, but he’s not into connecting. To the internet that is. He doesn’t even have an e-mail address. He’s a guy who really beats to his own drum. I love it!

If there is one thing I truly wish, then it’s eternal bliss for my brother! He’s had to endure the most during childhood. But maybe he’s not what I used to be; a sponge. Maybe my brother is naturally care free. I’m saying maybe because the last time we met, he was still all smiley. But that was almost three years ago. And I know smiling can be an act. An act to survive. I did it all my life! I no longer act, this is me, pure and free!

Wow, strong stuff this Crystal method. I’m on it when I write. It enlights from within. I’m about to go into a crazy tailspin. “Buckle your seatbelts, a major life-change is upon you”. How many times have I not seen the triple digits of 555 while I write? Too many to count. It really started when I entered a New Earth. That was somewhere near the end of October. It’s now March. The third. And it’s official. Today, we entered the Golden Age. Don’t ask me how I know. I feel it. The same way I felt it when I wrote the piece A birth into a New Earth. Turned out, I was right on par with other intuits.

I used to read all kinds of spiritual and meta-physical stuff but lately more and more I truly only listen to that which comes from within. In fact, it kinda starts to irritate me if I start reading other stuff. It’s almost like I’m cheating on myself. The only thing it has done for me the times I do read other peoples energy updates was to confirm what I had already felt. So let’s make it on this day, while we are residing in Pisces waters, official: the arrows I’m shooting; my Crystal writing, as per today; is purely me. Crystal Clear. Let’s call ‘em Apple-bites. I likey like.

***

Ofcourse, water did it to me again. While taking a shower I was reminded of a story. Well, indirectly. The song “Higher, higher” from Heidi Montag popped into my mind. The song in itself is an absolute piece of art, truly one of a kind. But it’s not the song that did it for me. Nah. It was the memory behind it. The absolute worst job I’ve ever worked? The one I felt tricked into working for the government? (word count: 303)Well, I met a guy there. We called each other our yang to our yin and vice versa. We bonded over nothing really, but we just clicked. No words necessary. One look at each other and we knew enough. He’s seen me sitting in utter despair and it would break his heart but at the same we would laugh so hard. It was fabulous.

Then there was that time where he, while on the job, got really sick and asked to leave. But the managers wouldn’t allow him to leave. He’s not a whiner. I knew. I felt it. And it got to the point he got so sick he almost passed out and threw up. He had to be taken to the hospital. He asked for me to be with him. And I sat beside his bed while the doctors ran their tests. We laughed. We talked. But I was pissed too. Pissed that other people couldn’t sense how incredibly smart and sensitive this guy was and how they cruelly ignored his plea to go home. Until they could no longer ignore it because he collapsed. Turned out he was dehydrated. (Time: 12:12:22)

So why did I never really hook up with this guy? Well, because he was gay. I was kinda bummed when I found out because I really liked him. It was him who dragged me through this job until I quit because that job made me pass out.

***

(wordcount: 404)Both Pisces and Sagittarius are signs that are interested in the larger meaning of life. Well, I’m a sags so I can only speak for myself. Since this morning, starting last night with it being the month of March thus Pisces time; it feels like finding the meaning in things has tripled for me. Interesting is too; that I think I’m tired, but really I am not. Do I get by with less sleep? (time: 12:21)Is it merely old conditioning that makes me believe I should be tired cuz hey, I haven’t been sleeping at all lately? Is that what Crystal does? It keeps you awake?(time: 12:22)

Food. I’m hardly hungry. This is good. This is good. I’m liking the sound of this all. I hope this Crystal flight is to last. Have my writing and me finally be-come fractal? Are we totally self-similar? Has it be-come like a tennis game; in-side out and out-side in, how it should be in a true awakened state of multi-dimensionality? By feeling I know what trace to follow as it will give me that ‘hit’, like switching the on-switch of the light switch of my dormant DNA.

***

Funny how it works. On the day of the last day of my period, the day after I tied the last knot of all the full circles, I feel I should make a new category: Golden Age. What happens when you tie the knot? A new cycle starts. Releasing done. See the rhyming. Reviewing, refining, some final releasing: done. See The Great Adventure. What will the Golden Age bring? It better be fun! Some sun would be nice too…(time: 12:30)