In February '09 miraculousy I started to write. Shortly before that I gradually came to trust my inner guidance, which resulted in dropping all fear-based systems and means in my life. Since, I live a 100% from the heart and listen fully to my intuition. I now solely rely on your gifts and miracles..!Thank you!! LOVE, Apple
It is 5:55 am Dutch time. It is 8:55 pm in BC. Wow wow wow!! I just had the most amazing dream ever!!! I just shook hands with an alien. They landed in their ship on our property and omg, I still can’t believe it, it was sooooooo incredible real and so beautiful and loving. We looked deeply into each others eyes and he showed me where he was from: the pleiadians.
Wow, I’m all (word count:73) e-motional from it. It was a very long and intense dream. I’ll do my best to convey it. I was at the property I grew up as a kid. I look at the sky and am (word count:111) absolutely astounded at what I see. The most amazing colors and shapes (word count:123); all sorts of geometrical shapes and patterns of crop circles in the most amazing colors are morphing into different shapes constantly. It almost looked like stained glass morphin and shaping into new shapes right before my eyes in the sky. My oldest brother noticed it too.
Next (word count:173) a very different space craft comes flying out of the sky and morps into a more earthly yet still very strange vehicle right before it lands. It does so, so it can drive on land. It has one very big front wheel and the whole construction looks very complicated. I want them to come towards me and not leave. I desperately hope I get to talk to them, see them. They stop next to the house (time:9:11 pm) I grew up in and now there is no way round it anymore: my bio family has to acknowledge that there is more between heaven and earth than they previously would believe.
I’m so excited. There is an actual spacecraft in front of me and thru some sort of board outside their craft they are answering questions we have. Before we’ve asked the questions, they have already answered them in writing right before our eyes. I speak with them telepathically and I’m soo incredibly happy. I love the speed with which we communicate. I feel so at home and my heart is jumping from joy. The board is used for the other peeps who have now gathered in front of the space craft.
(word count:378)Everyone is amazed, except me. I’m soooo incredibly happy to see them finally land and actually interact with us. We can’t see them. I really want to see them. (word count:404) I ask where they are from and with a laserbeam arrow they point to the pitch black sky and it shows and lights-up the pleiadians and its coordinates are written in laser right below it. The space craft is now on the road and I’m the one communicating with them. I ask if I can see him. It’s a man with whom I’ve been interacting.
He says he’s not supposed to do so but then he decides against his not very strict orders. The spacecraft has, in the meantime, morped into the road. The road is moving, we have to keep walking in order to stay on the same spot. The alien opens his craft thru the roof, which is easy to acces for me, cuz the roof is now where my feet are. Everyone around me is scared but I’m just sooo excited and happy!
The space craft opens (word count:555) and I look in the most amazing, tiny sweet blue eyes!!! His head looks a little like a small cone and his skin is beige and got brown spots from the top of his head to just above is eyes. He’s got a few more but less big, spots all over his face. He is bald, there is no hair, no eyebrows either. He reaches out his hand. His fingers are very long and there are only four of them. I take his hand in mine and it’s just INCREDIBLE!! We touch and I feel soooooooo at home.
That is when I wake up. I so so so wanted to go home with my friend the alien but I also knew: they’re here with us now!! WOW! This dreams was so incredibly real. I was there. I was right awake within this dream. My god, if only (word count:703) I could convey in words what I saw in the sky, the ‘stain glass’ part, that was absolutely incredible, just incredible! Every possible crop circle came by and every possible geometrical shape too.
I’m blessed, so beyond blessed to have met an alien! TOUCH DOWN…(title: The Aliens Have Arrived)
Dreams. I really really love my dreams. Not only the ones you dream ’bout during the day but mostly the ones I have when I sleep but am awake. And last night? Chili made his re-entry in my dream. It was a strange but lovely dream. Very long too.
I just woke up. And I feel worn out. Unlike yesterday. That’s when I had hardly any sleep and I was ready to go go go from the get go. (time:10:44 pm)Last night I really felt like eating chocolate. Substitute? I dunno. According to my words and what I feel my sweety is with me.
You are sitting at a table with a female friend. You and her are very comfy with each other. I’m in a different room cleaning out a (word count:123) closet. We know we are in close proximity of each other and I’m hoping for you to come my way. I don’t dare to take the first step. Next you are in my room but nothing is really said. I’m not upset I just wish I wasn’t so shy and knew what to say. But I’m also annoyed that we still use speach. We feel each other why do we have to speak? Can’t we just get past that and feel and act on that.
Next you are out in a field. You are to burn something. Your dad is there too. He really looks like you, just a bit older. It’s like he’s encouraging me to step forward to you. But I’m not sure and I wonder why you don’t come to me. In the next scene this lady walks beside me. She tells me:”he’s got his scars too.” (word count: 273)”He’s been thru a lot too.” I can feel that.
Now I’m in a house which is entered thru stairs. The doorbell rings and I have a mask on my face. I open the door and right before I do so I know it’s you. We can’t kiss cuz of the mud mask. But we go and take our clothes off and head into the shower to rinse off my mask. We look at each other. We don’t speak. We feel. While the water is running over our naked bodies. We’re happy. This feels right. It’s all ok, it’s all good. That’s when I wake up.
(word count:379)Yesterday after posting my last post, I was actually thinking:”Why would I still write?” I mean, I really have nothing left to say. Besides, I’m so not inspired. (word count:404)I no longer wanna chat bout spiritual stuff, tho I am, on and off, still into the meta physical stuff, but really: I’m so simple. I just wanna be. Feel good. And enjoy whatever I do. I don’t wanna speak. I want to feel. The world is racing by me and I’m thinkin’:”have we gone mad?!”
It sure is not me. I’m beyond my in-sanity. (word count:473)Have I fully stepped into my divinity? Flatlining in neutrality; zero point. Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. The End. (title: The Shower) Published:11:00 pm.
After a lovely energetic day, I’m now floored with a major headache. I listen to my friend S. with whom I now stay; talk ’bout her day. And I realize how far far away: I’m from that reality. I hear it but I’m not registering it. Even tho my perceived reality ain’t all that joohoo either: I’m beyond blessed not to be working in an office ‘n all that.
Instead: I biked today. Twenty K. It was possible cuz I had a rare good day. I just laid my head to rest and to the surface came my headache stress. No matter how much I do my best (time:10:00 am), no matter how much I let go: I can’t ignore the fact that I really miss BC. And nature. Holland is overwhelming me. There is nature here, but lotsa peeps too. There is never a total silence or a never ending view. I miss the mountains too.
Rivers aren’t clean. It’s always noisy. It’s weighin’ on me. I like a city. For a day or three. Then I need me a tree. (word count:173)I moved away from my family. It was necessary. My body had been screaming for more than a week or three. I didn’t re-act to it. I stayed. Maybe I coulda forced to go to a different place. But I knew I had to face (word count:222) what-ever I had to face in this Amazing Race. I did. And Sunday morning my inner-voice said: “NUFF, you are free!”
Co-incidentally, it was the day my friend S. came to see me. We packed my stuff and I went home with her. She has a tiny place and thus I sleep in the living room on a matrass but I’m beyond blessed to be free of the needy stress I left. I have met yet another angel. I do know I’m beyond supported by the invisibles but I’ve (word count:307) met more than one human angel on this journey too. My friend S. is one of them. Not only does she provide me with a roof over my head, she feeds me too. I do hold my own spoon.
A helicopter is flying over. And I feel my belly. I want to go home. Home to Canada BC. I want to fly home and be with my soul family (word count:373)This morning I got that it’s time to re-unite. Tho I also know I’m not in charge of when, where and how I’m up for my next flight.
***
This morning I went for a walk. I stretched against a bench. I wanted to do some jumps too. But suddenly I look to my right. I see something white. It’s plastic. Square. It reads:7ero. A (time:10:11 am) A condom wrapper. (word count:444) Seriously universe! You have got to be kidding me! Your kinda humor? Ain’t me. This is no longer funny. How can you shove that in my face? I mean; It’s been a year!! Seriously!
Thank God I still know how to ride a bike. Isn’t sex like….riding a bike? You never forget how to….? I dunno. I have no clue. And I seriously wonder: will I ever be back on me horsey? Cuz sleepin’ round randomly I no longer do. Have I ever?
No. I don’t think so…do you?
But (word count:555) honestly? It’s not the sex I miss. It’s the human touch and the intimacy. Even tho I have yet to experience what real intimacy is. So how would I know what I miss? (published:10:23 am) Title: O’C'mon!
It is 11:55 pm. I woke up hearing a Coldplay song in my mind. I wasn’t sure of the title of the song but one sentence was repeatedly playin’ in my mind:”nobody said it was easy..” Yeah, tell me bout it! But then I started listening to the song and it started with these lyrics:”come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry, you don’t know how lovely you are.”"I had to find you, tell you I need you, tell you I’ve set you apart..”
“Tell me your secrets, ask me your questions, oh let’s go back to the start.” The song makes me cry. The name of the song? The scientist. And it makes me think of (time:12:00 am) Einstein. It also makes me think of last night and how angry I was. Angry that I’m in this race. And how exhausting it really is. Would I sign up for it again? No. Not. In. A. Million. Years.
Well, it might not be necessary again, in a million years. Maybe in 26.000 years, if we’re not gonna make this shift. But we’re already makin’ it. Right now, the first wave is in the middle of it. And it truly is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do. (time:12:03 am) The numbers agree with me.
(draft saved:12:03:23 am)It is nice to wake up hearing a song. Tho the writing still doesn’t flow and last night? I had a little bit of a panic attack. The writing really really doesn’t flow and I thought bout meister Eckhart. And how he says he can’t write over here. Germany, Holland: the energy is compatible. And I can’t write (word count:273) here either. The well is dry. This energy truly doesn’t support it. And it’s killing me. Without inspiration? I’m a living dead.
That is actually what most of the past four weeks have felt like to me. I’m sorry; but I’m not gonna lie. It’s true. I really don’t like it here. I’m not gonna deny what I feel. You can say all you want bout “all that is now is perfect’, but all that is now isn’t perfect. O sure, I understand that it totally is, as everything is perfect, it always is, but I’m not going to deny the feelings inside of me. (word count:376) For if I do: I will really become sick. Ill, like the rest of the world.
And now that we’re at it, lemme throw it all out. What I really wanna say is;”I fucking hate it here, I hate it here, I hate it here!” And don’t you say you never have those thoughts or maybe even say it out loud when you think no one hears you or is watching. Someone always is. You! And you are a god.
And the worst of all is, I know exactly why I’m here. O yes, yesterday I had another bout of clarity, hit me. I’ve seen the bigger pic. I’m here to activate a shitload of the second wave. Still doesn’t make it easy and it still does not make me like my job. Joyful Opportunity to Be? Scrap Joyful, cuz that left me the minute I was thrown out of the country. Correction: threw myself outta the country. Cuz yes, I am re-sponsible for my life.
(time:12:12 am)Fortunately; I had another little bite-size of clarity hit me yesterday. It was a bite that was nutritious, not fat or high in carbs. It was pure nutrion. My contract is fully served. Yes! I’m done. This last little bit, that was written in those tiny little letters at the end of the doc, easy to be missed? That was this shit. Family bizz. Did I enjoy it?
Nope. Not one bit. Did the fam like it? Time will tell. They sure as hell seem to be convinced that I’m crazy. It will only be a matter of time that they too will see, that I’m? Better Now. Totally and utterly: in-sane!
(word count:660)The song? Made my day, cuz I know it came from you. Hoping I really no longer do. (time:12:21 am published:12:34, I must’ve been on a roll..) Name of the piece: The Scientist. Yeah, I’m tired so I thought I’d just copy/paste it.
I felt like I had to go back to sleep cuz another dream wanted to be born thru me. And that is what I did. It was a long dream. (time:3:33 am) But very fascinating. It had to do with the Olympics, an underground movement, people coming up to me sayin’ that they fully support me yet they would not come out on this fact in their every day lives, a very mean man who worked for the Olympics and who picked on me and then there was a symbol in my dream.
Yes (word count:73), in the dream a symbol was given to me. Right after the meaning of the symbol was explained to me, I woke up. (time:3:37 am) The symbol looked somewhat like the symbol the Artist Formerly Known As Prince uses or used. Can you picture it? Now that I’m writing about it, I guess (word count:144) he used that symbol co-inciding with naming himself the Symbol.
Let me google. O my; the symbol I saw in my dream was exactly like Prince’s symbol! And I just you tubed the Symbol and the first song which came up? Seven! And right now I’m listening to it. The first few sentences? “I am yours now and you are mine, together we’ll love through all space and time, so don’t cry.”
That is just beautiful! (word count:222!) You know why? Before going to back to sleep to get this dream out, I was (word count:234) wondering why the writing just doesn’t feel smooth anymore, why I’m just not inspired and how that sucks cuz not being inspired is like living and constantly needing to be on oxygen. Also, I was wondering why my mate comes thru less and less, or maybe I’m just too obsessed? I get no! He comes thru less and less cuz we really are attached. We are One. Fuuuuun!
(word count?307!) It is too hot outside. I don’t mind hotness but not when there is no water near. And that is another reason why I really can’t stand it here. (word count:333)I have to be close to water, mountains and nature. Or be close to peeps who are like me. Like minds. Like yesterday. In those moments it was ok not being close to water. (draft saved:3:51:11 am) We were sitting in front of a big oak tree. Made me happpeeee.
Am extremely water retained today. It’s the hotness but also the fact that my mom comes back. My body is already building its protection suit. It is sooo uncomfortable. O, I’m gettin’ a message thru. “It wont be long babe!” It won’t be long? Or did you mean, you won’t be long? Ah ok, that (word count:444) is what you meant. But babe, I’m sorry to say, but how many times have I heard that before? How many times have I heard the word ‘soooon’? When we’re able to fly ourselves to the moon?
Right now, this will be the only time I’ll say:”I’ll believe it when I see it.” See ya later oscillator! You know what the oscillator says back to me? “Ciao Ciao meow!” On a pssssst note, this is what I found, what the symbol means: The symbol is a mix between the traditional male and female symbols along with and an alchemy/soapstone symbol.
Alchemy is the ancient art of turning base metals into pure gold (which is, of course, impossible according to modern science). For thousands of years rulers were always interested in being able to manufacture pure gold from everyday materials and would go to crazy lengths to try and find its secrets. Who-ever owns the gold makes the rules so they say.
However alchemy is also seen as a spiritual journey. As alchemists embark on a life long task of trying to do something that is seemingly impossible, it is also a metaphor for turning oneself, your inner soul, into “gold”. Hence the term “alchemy” has become synonomous with change/inspiration/growth etc. It’s interesting that there are a lot of references to “gold” and “alchemy” in Prince’s 90s work – 3 Chains ‘O’ Gold, Goldnigga, The Gold Experience “…until the stud in your mouth turns gold” (Mad Sex), “… the alchemy occured most in the Muse” (The Rainbow Children).
I don’t remember in detail what the explanation given to me in the dream re; the symbol was. I do know it had to do with sugar and being free like a Dove. I can tell you this: I ain’t no more on sugar. I still have my moments when I eat a lot but no more sugar and that? Is hot! Does is mean my sweety is really (word count:777) with me?
On another pssssst note: you have no idea how desperately I want to pull the plug on this story! Cuz that means?? I’m FREEEEE; physically! In my mind: I am! Damn! Hurry my man…
(ps. my wordpress has been updated and now it wont show the name of the piece above my piece. instead it shows auto draft.. tho this one is named: The Symbol…working on it..)
Holy Starseed collision! Wow! Me and P.? Two of a kind. Seeded Stars. (draft saved:11:54:37 am) What a breath of fresh air to be with someone who reads energy. Who feels. Who is free. Who lives her life according to herself and not according to her family, friends or society! It’s been three years since we last saw each other.
Three years filled with lots. She got divorced. Went thru a lot besides that. Me? I’ve had my own journey. We took off right where we left. We laughed. We cried. We had a drink. We ate. We were free. We were the two bouncing balls we are and used to be. Tho, something was slightly different. A peace. An all knowing, an awakening. The insecurity we once let ourselves rule by? Gone. We know who we are. Fully. (word count:137)
I’ve lived quite a solitary life (word count:144) for the past year and a half. She? Lived her life to the fullest. But we’ve both looked into every corner of our soul. (time:12:00 pm)There’s a depth when I look into her eyes, a depth I don’t see every day. I depth I recognize. The recognition is that of seeing my journey reflected in her eyes. I know where’s she been. I know how tough it’s been. I know we’re almost there. She’s battle weary, just like me. But (time:12:03 pm) this afternoon? We were all smiley. And funny.
(word count:237) Banging our heads to the beats of the music in her car, windows open, feeling the wind in our hair, singing along at the top of our longs. Feeling life in every fiber of our being. We know how to live. Fully. Right now. No worries what you think of me. Or you. Or my family. Let alone the rest of society. Freedom is to live and let live. Joyfully. Straight from the heart.
For six hours I got to experience what life is like to be with a like mind. To be with a peep who is free. Who understands me. Whom I understand.(word count:333) For six hours I was in heaven. And when I got home I got a little dessert; my mom will stay away for one more day! Holy! The man with the big beard must’ve (word count:373) heard my plea. It came from the bottom of my soul:”PLEASE, let me be, let me be alone for a few more days, I need to feel me, hear me, and recharge my energy!” I got what I asked for.
These days? I’m not hard to satisfy. I’ve never been. It might sound harsh, but really; the day I’m moving away from living here with my family: I will really totally and forever be FREE. And that my dear readers; can not come one day too soon! Cuz the moment you’re reminded how to breathe without constantly needing oxygen? Is orgasmic! (published:12:22 pm)
“Just give me your address; I’m coming to see you whether you like it or not!” She said to me a few minutes ago. Panic set in while I was thinkin: “No no no, not like this, I look like absolute hell, like shit, please let me be!” Something along the same lines I actually did say to her. She was set on coming to see me. I did give her my moms’ address. She is on her way.
I look at myself in the mirror. I look at my face. I don’t recognize me. Except when I look deep into my eyes. That’s when I feel peace and see my deep beauty. My surface, the surface? I call it ugly. I call it fat. But beauty isn’t skin deep. Than why am I not living that truth?!
If I can’t even let my long time friends back into my life, how can I let in my man, when he comes to me? But I know I can. I accept myself, I do. Unconditionally? We’ll see, the moment my friend comes to embrace me.
***
(time:4:04 am) I don’t like it when I’m not in control. And my friend took that control away. Or did I? I gave her my address. I want to let ’loving-care’ in. I do.
Last night an insight came thru. The e-mail I wrote to the CEO in dec (word count:234 and o boy the numbers agree with me) of 2008? Wasn’t bout the homeless. It was about me. And my journey. And I thought it was funny that I didn’t see that link before. I have been homeless my whole life even tho I’ve had a roof over my head. (word count:273) I just wasn’t home in me, myself. I am home now.
But why am I living with my mother? Something doesn’t add up. I just took a shower and the rage I felt inside of me just wouldn’t stop. I felt it. All of it. I let it rinse thru every little corner of my soul. And then, I let it go. A peace came over me. A peace of knowing that I’m now finally free of my mommy. She can do what she wants, but this rage? Was to face my shadow, which I embraced. That is how it dissipates.
***
(word count:377) Divine intervention. Yesterday afternoon a lady from the government called to discuss my still ‘up-in-the-air- application for government support. The moment she wanted to look something up in her pc for me, her screen went black. Just like that. Yes. The story of my life. Me and an electrical device? We do funny. We do weird, we do unpredictable too. She said she’d never had that happen before.
Me? I was thinking:” I really ain’t no longer meant to explore; the concepts in three D.” What does the universe (me) have in store for me? First I’m gonna see, my friend. She’ll be here in a few minutes. God I hope she’s (word count:488) into going somewhere where there is water. I’m dying to be close to the ocean, the sea. And ofcourse, trees.
I just so so so want to be free, physically. God, please; how much longer are we to be transmuting all these pollutant energies? I’m so done with three D misery…And the longer this journey runs, the less I can believe I signed on for this: VOLUNTARILY! Yes, I do officially declare myself: CRAZY!
Just took a shower. And while at it I continuesly got overwhelmed with goosebumps. My sisters spirit was with me. I’d like to talk to you bout my sis. She used to be a fierceless bold miss. And the beauty is, she still is! Tho it took a bit for me to see it.
Her fiercelessness simply transformed. Her and I are from the same nest. We each had to do our utmost best, to make sense of the emotional distress we endured living in our bio-fam-nest. Yes, we did have fun (draft saved:4:08:08 am). We laughed. A lot. But behind all that laughing was an emptiness. It was filled with competition, fights for attention from whom-ever would give it to us.
As a teen (word count:123) she did ignore me. But that was simply cuz she was surviving too. I had no clue. Sis, when I now look at you and hear you say, that the one thing you are proud of in your life is your two little angels, then I’ll say this to you:”You should be equally proud of you too and all you do!!” I never saw your real beauty cuz I didn’t see my own. And now that I do, I’m so immensely proud of you.
My sister never complains. And life for her hasn’t been easy. The complaining? I make up for that for us two. I bet my family doesn’t realize that in the last three years, my sister stabilized our family. No, she didn’t work, but she worked in a different unseen kinda way. And in the process she raised two beautiful little angels, who got their prorities straight.
My sis didn’t work and lived on government support. She’s a single parent, educated as a PE teacher. She isn’t lazy. In the last three years, after her come-back from living in New Zealand? She did a lot of work. But it’s the kinda work that goes unseen. It’s the kinda work that is done voluntarily. She is and was the stabilizer for the family. Who did my mom go to when she needed to vent ’bout her divorce from our dad? My sister. Yeah, I’m tellin’ ya: ain’t rad! The other day my sis said:”Now that I hear how you’re experiencing living with our mother, my memories are coming back of those chats I had with her back then and it wasn’t rad.”
(word count:370)In fact, at one point it got so bad; her energy got sucked so badly; my sis had no more clue what to do, but she never told you! That is what I do. And now, my family: we, my sis and I: are giving all that shit back to you! Where it belongs. Deal with your own emo shit and no more dumping it on us. It’s been NUFF! We’re done transmuting for you. It’s time you start (word count:437) to take RE-SPONSIBIILTY for your own life!
I realize I will never have a mom the way I’ve always wanted one. The other day when I had to apply for government support; the lady (word count:473) who was helping me; had just taken her daughter in to live with her. Her daughter had broken up with her boyfriend. The lady told me how much fun she and her daughter are having. It’s not like that with me and my family.
Except with me and my sis. We are like this (picture index- and middle finger intertwined). (word count:537) Who still visits my dad every so often? My sis! Because she knows how much he loves it. Does he know how much she and I would love it too, when he would every so now and then, on his own, come to us, spontaneously? He hardly ever does.
***
The other day I said to a friend of mine who lives in the states and who told me bout her family and how their fate, turned ’round for the better:”I feel like such a failure!” And I do. Deep down I still felt responsible for the mess my family is in. I feel like a failure, but I also realize it’s not my responsibility to smooth things over in my family. That is up to each individual themselves. I would love for my family (word count:637) to be one big happy smiley funny caring family. But we aren’t. There is a lot of pain beneath the surface. My sis and I have dealt with our own. It took us, respectively, 32 and 33 years. We are both poor, tired and ready for a new start. Yes, it was hard.
My sis and I are soo much richer than most people. Secretely; I still hope that someday; my family can be totally free and rich too. But that is not up to me. That is up to them and their responsibility. Just listen. It’s that voice within. It does set you free. It makes you see, the true beauty; in life!
My family: I truly love you. And my sister? I love you and I’m sooo proud of you and all the stabilizing work you do! It’s bout time that someone in our family says that you! You are a true beauty and I’m happy I can finally fully say that you; whole heartedly. It’s now our time to shine. We are both battle weary but I trust. In miracles. Not only for me, but for you too. And I’m happy you’ve got that Scorpio man ‘o you! I am blessed and beyond rich to have a sis. And she’s perfect just the way she IS. Just like my family. Cuz yes, I do look further than just skin deep. I see the bigger pic.
My responsibility? Is this. It’s when I piss. And that’s when these words are coming thru. Unconditionally; just for you! O and btw: I have no clue why I chose the above song but I knew I just had to. (word count:888)
Last night I went to bed thinking:”I’m never gonna open my pc again, I’m so done with it (this story) all!” But then I’m given this amazing dream and I just have to write. Not necessarily ’bout the dream but the dream is a trigger for (word count:37)more writing. And I truly wonder:”When will I be done??” (draft saved:1:32:32 am)
In my dream was my handsome uncle (my dads’ bro), friends whom I’ve worked with on this (draft saved;1:33:32 am) job and my sister. It was a very very long dream but what it came down to was that my sis and I were driving around in this big RV in the mountains in a foreign country. My sis is driving but I’m telling her where to go (word count:123). Suddenly we find ourselves in a dead-end kinda spot. It’s absolutely stunning but we can’t go anywhere. We find ourselves within a big ‘mountain bowl’. We wonder how we got there and I’m thinking my sis must’ve missed an exit. We turn around.
In the next scene my sis is no longer there. I am in a supermarket looking for real organic oatmeal. It’s no where to be found. (time:1:37 am)A man wants to help me but he’s too pushy and is hitting on me. I won’t allow him hitting on me as I (word count:212) am married and on my way to my man. Next I’m outside in some kinda field and (word count:237 there is a scene in between with me and my uncle which I’m skipping otherwise it’s gonna be way too long) with the peeps with whom I worked before. They act all funny and I’m havin a good time too. One of them is tryin’ to get over a fence. What I remember from her is that she is a scorpio. She kinda falls over the fence, but it’s hilarious. The rest is goin over the fence too. I must’ve gone over the fence as well as I find myself standing in between all them in a crowded kinda way. Something must be (word count:337) really funny cuz I find myself laughing so hard that I collapse forward. But then, Will catches me. I look up and feel his strong arms around me. From the corner of my eye I see my mother standing outside of the fence and I can feel her jealousy. Will whispers something in my ear:”Elope?” I look at him and next we are running away and never look back.
***
Needless to say, I liked the dream. I had an apple for breakfast. Good start of the day (time:1:44 am) I say. Yesterday eve, I saw the movie “It’s All Gone Pete Tong“. I can honestly say it’s one of the best movies I’ve ever seen. It touched me deeply. (draft saaved:1:44:33 am)Tho I’ve had many a moment that it was way too harsh for me to watch. My stomach turned, my being cringed, mmm maybe more than a time or three. (word count:488)
Sometimes we need to be brought down to our knees deeply in order to transform. What we do to ourselves. O boy. Last Monday was absolute hell for me. For no apparent reason. And that is acending. And being one of the first wavers. It stinks. (draft saved:1:47:33 am) Monday night? I had a moment. In that moment I looked to my right. I noticed a knife. A thought ran thru my head. I let it be. My miracle recipe. ..
The e-mail:…”The situation i am referring to is homelessness….. It’s a loaded term here in Vancouver I have discovered. I never thought I would be so ’intruiged’ by it, but I am. Seeing the amount of homeless people here in Vancouver, I started questioning several people about why and how it has become such a problem here in Vancouver. People came up with several answers and solutions, none of them were completely satisfactory for me. That did not mean I did not ’understand’ the reasons etc, but to me, everything, everything has a reason and by that I mean; a higher one…..
During the last year for me thinking about the homelessness issue came and went on and off. Everytime I would encounter a homeless person, my emotions would range from empathy, fear, wanting to help, avoidance, etc, all depending on how I would feel that day.
But everytime after an encounter or after thinking about homelessness, i would end up confused. Why is this such a major issue in a city that seems to have such a big spiritual community? I just could not wrap my head around it. I wanted to know why there are so many people without a home and why would no one have a solution to this? why do we not help these people, as we are all one and not helping them is like not helping yourself…?
So, one night, after a day of thinking about this issue again and another encounter with a homeless person (ended up giving him my chocolate that i just bought and really wanted to eat, but i gave it to this person sitting by a street light, thinking; ‘ chocolate makes me happy, well, i just want to see him happy!” and without thinking, i just gave him my piece, which at that time, i had bought from my last dollar that month and this is not a joke…. haha)i had this dream that revealed to me why there are so many homeless people in Vancouver. It was enlightning… I just hope that i will be able to explain it to you as good as I can and why i am telling you this.
The dream made me realize that we are all beings of light and in a city that besides having a very large spiritual community, it also houses A LOT of fear. I feel this everyday. The dream made me see that the homeless people represent these fears….. but… they are here to guide us through our fear. We are all one and by embracing each other instead of judging, looking away, feeling better than another based on what you have or what you do, we can come closer to oneness. In that dream I was offered a ‘solution’ for the homeless issue, one that I really feel can make a difference.
I really believe that If somehow there would be a ‘support’ system for people in a homeless situation that it can make a difference. But, let me define ‘support’ system: by that I mean: a buddy system. I’ll explain: I truly truly believe and know that love, unconditional love is the answer to everything. Just think about it: if ever you have gone through a hard time in your life, would it not have been a lot easier and bearable if there would have been someone, somehow that would have been there for you, just to tell you that you are good the way you are, would listen to you, would encourage you to not give up, to believe in yourself, just give you that feeling of unconditional love and let you know that you can do whatever you want as long as you believe in yourself and take responsibility for your own actions and move towards love, instead of away from fear.
I believe we can help the homeless by creating a buddy system for people who truly want to be helped. It would be a one on one buddy system and we would need volunteers to help volunteer their time to just hang out with a homeless person and create a bond with the intent to create hope, self-esteem etc. Just to empower them. Cuz, nobody can solve the problems I have, I need to take responsibility for my life, but just knowing that there are people out there that show me unconditional love and who believe in me and believe in love, that is I hope what would make people want to make better choices and to create better lifes for themself. And, every life that is touched and would move more towards love, is one more being of light that is ‘enlightened’ and would help make the world a better, loving place…!”
***
It is only two third of the e-mail; I wrote the e-mail with the intent of starting some kinda buddy system for the homeless with the CEO’s company, one I was working for. I got a two sentence, negative, response. I forgot bout it after that. I was in major survival mode myself. And here I am. Thirty two years old. Basically homeless; if it weren’t for the angels I’ve met along the way. Along the way of this Amazing Race. We all deserve to be touched by angels!! We do! And that, that WILL come true! Pete Tong, I am hugely hugely inspired by you! And not because you’re deaf.
But cuz of the intensity with which you lived…and most importantly; live! And I know why I’ve lived the way I did. To open my heart. And remember why I’m here; to do what I love and love what I do and that life is not about me me me, solely. Homeless peeps? Are angels. If only we could see thru all the disguises we wear, there would be less despair..Published? 2:22 am
It is 3.33 am. Plans change quickly. No hair cut. Not seeing my aunt tonight either. Another day with just me. Either way: I’m happy. Just got a phonecall. A bailiff. Fun. Tho a bailiff just is too. What is? Is love. I’ve kept them up to date ’bout my fate thru out this Amazing Race. I simply have no money. Zero. I’m living with my mom. I can’t even buy my own toothpaste. Let alone tampons.
Does it get to me? No. Is it fun? No. Do I want it to change? YES! Then why don’t I work? Yeah, well I (time:3:37 am) know this might sound absurd, but…gotta minute? I don’t even know where to start. So I won’t. And that is why this is one of the hardest things to experience. (word count:212) Try explaining your situation to your friends, family and other loved ones. Don’t work! It’s trying to explain the inexplainable. Only the ones who are in this boat, get it. I’m happy for Auntie Bessie’s letter but maybe that makes for more questions.
My problem? Nope. My only problem is my re-sponsibility. By listening to it, I’ve come to this place. Right here, right now. No ones choice but mine. Does it suck? At times. You might think:”What bout the other responsibilities I have in life other than this purple ink?” Well, I can only say, the purple ink told me my life would stink way more if I were not to explore my inner core. I had to set my priorities straight. And this one? Would and could not wait!There was no debate!
Why? Well, I’ve been told this isn’t merely bout me me me, this is bout the whole of humanity. And this is the part where it becomes funny. (draft saved: 3:44:22 am)I don’t want to carry the load of humanity. I don’t wanna be like Deepak or Eckhart and I sure am not sayin’ I am. I simply wanna be me. Before I started to write, I didn’t know I had this story in me. Bit by bit it was and (word count:333)is uncovered and set free. You are reading it at the same pace as me.
I came to this, by no longer givin’ in to fear tactics. And most of those in society are based on? Money. But money isn’t bad. I love money. (word count:375) Money just is. What is? Is love. Money is neutral, just like me and you. It’s our beliefs which made it into the power craze it is today. Cuz yeah, these days? Money equals power.
To me? Freedom within equals power. Money? Does not save me or gimme power. I’m powerful beyond money. Nevertheless: I do love money. And money is the way we trade. But that might just change. Money will always be, but more importantly: so will we. Will we finally rule the money or does money continue to rule us? It’s up to us!!! And our beliefs. And no longer buying into fear tactics of our three D reality.
What did I say to the bailiff? I told him I have no dough, that I don’t know when it will show but what I do know is your e-mail address and I will continue to update you on my status quo. Tho he probably don’t know a status quo; is an illusion….
Sometimes I’m hugely inspired by rap and yes it’s my fave, supe rad, yet I’m equally as much inspired by electro, dance, trance whatever the bleep it’s called. As long as it has a nice beat, mellow or a little harder; you got me going. And the above vid? Not only did the tune the trick, the vid and the title too!
See ya later oscillator?! Hells yeah! Do I ever wanna exclaim that one real bad! And…the end is near! O yeah! This oscillating? Ain’t funny. The pendulum goes from left to right, up and down and me? Each day I do my utmost best to stay balanced in the middle. Today? That’s where I’m at. Zero Point. Neutrality. It’s where everything is the best!
(word count:123)Joy is experienced to its fullest, energy is high and I feel like I can literally fly. All rooted in peace. No jittery, nervous, anxious kinda extacy, there’s calmness. Everything flows. Easy. Yes, I love me some of this kinda extacy. Feet rooted firmly on da floor. We’re human and that is what we’re here to explore. Ourselves; and the fullness of it! The richness of our being. Everything! The good, the bad and the ugly. It all just Is!
(word count:202)Dancing adds to this feeling too. I land myself in heaven easily by makin’ a move or two. This beat is way different than a scree-eeetch. Who-ever made this, must understand the natural trance. I ate mushrooms this morning. Raw. With very spicy sambal. Yeah, I know: my eating? A weird show.
My brekkie reminded me of this piece: The Mushroom. That is still something I’d like to do. Tho when I close my eyes (word count:273) and rub my eyelids, I’m sent on a pshycedelic trip. Can’t believe the pics which are released within this miss! I don’t need no pc to set off fractal animations within me. It happens naturally. Cray-zeee!
I’m happy to report, that my weight seems to go down a lil bit. Or might it be cuz this chick feels save, all by her lonesome. No needy energetic attacks on me body. I can just be. So easy. That is when the excess of fluidity dissipates from me. Naturally! The eating? Balanced. (word count:370)Tho we’ll see. The energy might once again, pick up on me.
I read somewhere that we’re being pressure cooked. That is exactly what it feels like. This time span between the lunar and solar eclipse? When I come out of it, might I finally see, why I’ve been writing this online script? I’d love to flip! Tho hoping? I no longer do it.
Now I’m gonna go over to me sis. She’ll cut (word count:437) my split ends. My hair is spent. I don’t want anyone touching me, who doesn’t feel right to me. Especially, not my hair. Dunno why that is. My hair? Is sacred to me. Even tho it ain’t all that pretty. Cutting not anyone can do on me. Colouring? Doesn’t really matter who (time:2:02 am word count:488) works on me. Yeah, I know. Cray-zeeee.
Boy! I can’t wait to finally say:”See ya later oscillator!” Would that make for me, being less picky?? We’ll see. Miss sensitivity. Fun-nee?! At times, it can be. My body? Lives in a time paradigm. It needs time to release and process which has been accumulated (word count:555) over the years. Fear after fear. Me? I’m free. Published? 2:22 am.
I open my wordpress and notice that so far, I have approved 2,202 comments. 2 more are pending and (time:11:37 pm)I have written 578 posts so far, which adds up to? 20=2! Two’s all over the place. Next I read my e-mails and a friend sent to me a daily astro text which says:”Today is a 3:3 Star Gate.” Furter along it reads:’Three is the number of manifestation.”
Now when I go into my number stuff, this is what is said bout the number two:22,222, or 22:22
The highest sequence of manifestation/creation without the frustration. All words thought deeds and intentions will take seed with or without rain to help them grow. Moving out of the neighborhood of polarity. Time moves forward with or without you. Do not create by default, have a say so in your life. Keep a holding pattern with your intent, knowing that what you have planted by your words, deeds and actions will grow and bloom in accordance with the heavenly seasons.
Yesterday I got an e-mail from a friend who said the following ’bout today:”Tomorrow is 6.3 and 2010 is a 3, totaled (word count:173) that makes (6.3 & 3) on the Cosmic Cube the 12th Pillar is ‘The Celebration’. 6.3 by itself is ‘Calendar’. (time:11:44 pm) According to the numbers and the stars today should be a day to celebrate a/our manifestation(s). I no longer hope. I am. But does hope still do me?
But it is fun (word count:222!! what the..?)to play with it. Plus I wholeheartedly believe in their meaning. However, the when, how and where things, peeps and experiences will manifest? Not up to me. Even tho I am the right time, right place myself. (draft saved:11:47:03 pm) It all depends on where all the other right time/right place peeps take themselves too. Abooo.
I had a dream. In it was Chili. We were gettn’ physical. What strikes me is that in my dreams we’re always so ‘wait-’n-see’ (word count:307) with each other even tho the magnetic pull between us is beyond imaginable. Interesting.
Upon waking I wanted to read a little bit. Which (word count:333) I didn’t. I’m currently reading the Deception Point by Dan Brown. I love his books. O the anticipation. Seems like my life, don’t it? I’m reading it in English. I love pickin’ up on new words. Tho lately, I seem to be (word count:373) drawn to Spanish more and more. I find myself translating on google translator, a lot of Spanish words I come across. I love Spanish. Maybe I should have a look and see if I can find me old Spanish study books somewhere amongst my stuff at my dads’. Shouldn’t be hard to find; the covers are purple/fuchsia.
(time:12:00 am)At 8:15 this a.m. the phone rang. My friend P.! She wanted to come visit me. Today. But I’m already gonna visit my aunt. Not Bessie. Tonight, together with my sis. My aunt is a sags, like me. Wants to travel and be free. At least she’s got money. And a honey. (draft saved:12:01:01 am) P. and Me? We’re gonna hook up later this week. Depending on how I feel. I communicate my state honestly. I’m still at the mercy; of these darn universal/celestial tidings. Fun?
It’s all for a reason. A good one. Or (time:12:03 am)so I’ve been told. By whom? Me! My inner news feed. The numbers do seem to agree with me. Now? I’m a gonna shake me boot-ay! Published? 12:21 am.
The best thing bout dinner? Dessert! Not necessary but o so yummeee! (time:9:09 am) For me, a dinner is complete without a dessert, tho don’t know bout you; it just tops it off so much better. It’s like that tiny little extra. And once you’ve tasted a little bit of that sweetness; you keep coming back (time:9:11 am) for more.
My dinner has been served and eaten (draft saved:9:11:11 am!!) I’m guessing starting (word count:73) somewhere in February and dinner was finished somewhere in May. Tho it’s a rough guess. It seems that my dessert is bigger and more than I anticipated. Or could ever anticipate. I’m still working on my dessert. It’s terribly filling and at times sooooo incredibly sweet. Yes, the amount and depth at times is really overwhelming me.
I dunno why my dessert is so big. I makes me flip, just like when I found out I was writing a script. Let’s talk bout my sis. Yes, the one who used to ignore this miss. She is now doing the opposite. I really deeply love my sis. And her lovely kids! Without her I could not have done this unexpected trip. She lets me be. Free. Doesn’t expect anything from me. She lets me laugh when I need it, she calls me when I feel it.
I can only hope I am or will be (word count:222) as much as a support to her like she is to me right now. tho she’s got a great man. And he will and can be there for her. Me? I got myself. Tho I really strongly do feel there is also someone else. He’s just not yet physically (word count:273) standing beside me. But I know he will. That would be such a thrill!
***
What if you have no siblings? No one who can relate to being born into the same blood related fate? What if you had a bro or sis, like the dad of this miss; and she died? I do know without me sis here right now: I’d be fried. (word count:333)
Fried food I don’t do. Dessert? My heart does joohoo! My sis is a part of my soul family bliss! And look at this! My sis directed me to my soul families’ bliss. She pointed out to me: “Look!” ‘I want you to meet your long lost family!” Dreams most times are symbolic. My sis is moving to the mountains. I know my soul family lives in Whis. A village in the mountains, in Canada BC.
Alegria? Spanish for Joy and happiness. I’ve done my utmost and tiresome best to work on this gift for my soul family. I hate to come empty handed. This writing kept my hands tied. I had no space to give other than this. I hope you like it! It’s just me. Unconditionally. Good, bad, fat, sad or ugly: I am me. (word count:473) Do I mind a fatty in a movie? Nope, I don’t. Fat just is. What is, is love. When you are ok with you, I am too!! (word count:500) Am I now talking to me… or you? I’m guessing; it’s me I’m slapping.
Guess Britney is back in da pic. Who did I just hit? Me! (Published:10:01 am)
It is 6:37 am. “We are your family!” They said while I left. For Holland. T. and V. were there for me. When I had to go and and be with my birth family to wrap up this seemingly never ending story. And yes, V. and T.? They are my family! My soul family. I miss them tremendously. V. was there for me, yesterday. We don’t need a lotta words. Yesterday? I simply cursed.
(word count:73)”Appplee!!!!! Omg thats so frickin weird i was thinking about you all day yesterday and trying to figure out to email you!!! I miss you too!!!” My friend A. said to me bout a week ago. I feel it when peeps think of me. Before A. wrote the above, (word count:123) I had sent an e-mail to her sayin’ that I miss her and that it had been too long.
“I felt you were gonna call me, that is why I took moms’ home phone with me upstairs.” I said to my sis an hour ago. Her reply? (word count:173) “Yeah, I’ve been meaning to call you for over an hour now and I finally did.” My sis picks up on this shit too. Telepathy. It’s so easy.
Someone else must’ve picked up on it too. Sometimes I get really insecure ’bout what I do. And next, an hour ago the following direct message on twitter came thru. “Damn, u touchin me girl. U onto me? How u gettin through to me like this? Keep on keepin on…” He wrote to me after reading my shizz. Word count? 231. Don’t know why the descending numbers are shown to me. I’m a gonna let it be to gain clarity.
O, it’s already with me. It‘s ’bout kudos! And insecurity. Yeah. I really don’t need your praise to keep me in this Amazing Race. But kudos? I do love you. They are the cherries on the pie. Tho they don’t make me fly. My feet are planted firmly on da floor. Thank God I’m standing up straight today. No ‘floored’ for me today. I’m super calm and peaceful and have decided to not go anywhere today. I’m revelling in my own energy. I love self-sustainability.
Sensitivity. Mine is only heightened since I embarked upon this journey. Being here with my family is not only the hardest (word count:374) thing to do, it’s also necessary. It’s only here that I can release those last little hidden pieces of density in me. I’d acknowledged them already but apparently I did need the right triggers for a release. I’m not pleased but I’m also happy to retrieve thru this final release; the lost fragments of my soul.
***
No hunger today. I drink a lot. (word count:440) Water! And today? Also swiss herb tea. Suits me. I love the purity and neutrality of Swiss. Ever been? Me? This miss? Yes, I have. But I’d love to explore more of Swiss. It’s beautiful! Where have I been? At the border of Italy and Swiss. Lake Lugano. I absolutely loved it!
Why are we talking travels? You wanna know more place I’d love to explore? Did I mention Bali already? Spain is beautiful too. Sicily in Italy I’d love to go as well. (time:7:03 am) O man, get me started on travelling and I won’t stop. I could travel the world non-stop. Where are we gonna pop first? I guess I already gave in to that thirst.
‘Vows’? As in wedding vows? Wow! I should work on those? Isn’t this story one big vow to you?! Ok, ok, I will work on my vows, just for you! ‘Behind the scenes?” Yes I do. My vows are just for me and you. The most important I have already given to you. My heart. Turned inside out; I had no idea I was writing this story just for you. And me. But we are One. (time:7:07 am) So (draft saved:7:07:03 am:you are really with me!) you’re also ready for some fun?
The only condition I’d have before getting married to you is that you love yourself unconditionally! We don’t wanna be at the mercy of needing lube… Published? 7:37 am
I just read something which made my heart sing! A quote from Lauryn Hill. And why she left music. But…she coming baaack! Yes! The world needs more pure love of that. Commercial shizz? It just is, but when you’ve been hit with some pure bliss; you want more of it. Yeah, I’ll always remain an addict. I’m an addict for life. Pure Crystal is the best. Don’t even try to drag me into AA or stop me to write. My light will simply find another way to you. (time:4:11 am)
I respect artists who dare say:”No, not for me!” Even tho lotsa dolla might be in the presented opportunity. It’s all bout integrity! Lauryn me woman! Sade ‘s like that too. They dare to take a break, to stay pure. Instead of givin’ in, to society’s (word count:137) money spin.
I’ve often wondered bout artists and having to do commissioned pieces. And I’ve wondered bout (time:4:14 am) its purity. Then again, commissions just are too. Love. But could I do, what you are tellin me to do? The answer? No. Unless you let me free. Completely. And that’s when I’ll come to you. Unexpectedly. Are we still talking commission here?? You lost me. You didn’t? Pheew..
***
I like the above vid. I like cuz of its raw and honest vulnerability. Creating is healing. Creating is releasing. Creating is self-expression. Creating doesn’t always make sense. In fact: most times it doesn’t. Creating is not bout one straight line. Creating is daring to be one with your soul, mind and body. Unity! That is why self-expression is so healthy.
Art is the backbone of our society. Artists (word count:273) should be nurtured instead of exploited. It’s up to the artist to stay true to who they are. Society is not at fault. Society just is. Because we are. It starts with you! That’s how we’re gonna shift societies shit. How? By taking responsibility. This is mine. My semi-rhyme. I don’t get paid. I’m a volunteer. But sometimes volunteers get really nice perks too. I didn’t embark upon this journey to get paid or for the perks. I did it cuz I love me. And I still do. I’m feeding myself with my own energy.
This is my integrity. Me being true to me. (word count:370)Whether it is good, bad or awful I don’t give a shit. It sets me free. And it’s healthy. I don’t eat your energy in order to remain in neutrality. When I write; I give, unconditionally. To me. I read the words my soul is feeding me; self sustainability. In action. That is why I write. My piece of mind…
***
Lauryns’ words.
“There were a number of different reasons. But partly, the support system that I needed was not necessarily in place. There were things about myself, personal-growth things, that I had to go through in order to feel like it was worth it. In fact, as musicians and artists, it’s important we have an environment — and I guess when I say environment, I really mean the [music] industry, that really nurtures these gifts. Oftentimes, the machine can overlook the need to take care of the people who produce the sounds that have a lot to do with the health and well-being of society, or at least some aspect of society. And it’s important that people be given the time that they need to go through, to grow, so that the consciousness level of the general public is properly affected. Oftentimes, I think people are forced to make decisions prematurely. And then that sound radiates.” (Time:4:37 am) Published: 4:44 am.
